Ara: Chapter 11: RETURN OF THE PAPERWORK

There is a reason that the title of this post is in caps.

Remember how I mentioned the big cliffhanger from the previous chapter was Ana opening the envelope to read the contract (that they'd already READ) and my reaction was...underwhelmed?

This chapter opens with that contract.

This chapter - in the edition I'm using - is fifteen pages long.

The contract - in this same edition - is SEVEN PAGES long.

Technically, given that the first and last pages in this chapter are less than half a page long, the contract is HALF the chapter.

And yes, the contract is the ONLY thing on those seven pages.  Nothing of Ana's reaction, no sense of how she feels.  Just a straight-up info-dump of information that looks like it's been copy-pasted in.

My main complain about the contract is how boring it is and how it utterly kills any excitement: I don't know enough about BDSM contracts to tackle the inevitable problems there.  So I'm going to drive-by snark here - picking out the bits that strike me as particularly stupid.

 "2 The fundamental purpose of this contract is to allow the Submissive to explore her sensuality and her limits safely, with due respect and regard for her needs, her limits and her wellbeing." 

....so Christian paid someone else to write this?  Seriously, this completely contradicts EVERYTHING Christian has said or done about the relationship he wants to have with Ana. This looks a lot more like the sort of contract Bon was talking about.

"..all that occurs under the terms of this contract will be consensual, confidential, and subject to the agreed limits and safety procedures set out in this contract. Additional limits and safety procedures may be agreed in writing."

So, hairpulling falls where exactly?  Christian was pulling her hair before he even hinted that he wanted to fuck he.  That doesn't seem to fit.

"Adherence to the above warranties, agreements and undertakings (and any additional limits and safety procedures agreed under clause 3 above) are fundamental to this contract. Any breach shall render it void with immediate effect and each party agrees to be fully responsible to the other for the consequence of any breach."

.....and this one right here, you should probably forget exists.  The author already has.

"The remaining sub-clauses of this clause 15 are to be read subject to this proviso and to the fundamental matters agreed in clauses 2-5 above."

Here's the thing.  All the legalese in this contract means effectively nothing because there is a precedent in US law that says no matter what you sign, you cannot sign away your fundamental rights.  This is not an actual legal document.  In a 'typical' BDSM relationship - based on my limited understanding - breaking the contract would cost the breaker their standing in the community.  Christian seems incapable of socializing and there's no indication that he's even aware the BDSM community exists.

I'm starting to think that this is just another way for Christian to bully Ana into doing exactly what he wants

.....also, there really isn't much in these seven pages for me to actually snark at.  It's not interesting reading, it's doing nothing to advance the story and frankly, if this is your idea of porn, I highly recommend a career in contract law.  So I'm going to leave tearing the contract apart to Bon.

This contract ends in the appendices and the very last one left me staring at the screen.

It is - and I swear that I'm not making this up - a multiple choice questionnaire about the limits and sex acts Ana is willing to set down.  Take a look at the first three questions.

"Which of the following sexual acts are acceptable to the Submissive?

• Masturbation
• Fellatio
• Cunnilingus
• Vaginal intercourse
• Vaginal fisting
• Anal intercourse
• Anal fisting

Is swallowing semen acceptable to the Submissive? 

Is the use of sex toys acceptable to the Submissive?

• Vibrators
• Dildos
• Butt Plugs
• Other"

Now, remember that this is Ana, who had her first ever sexual experience last night and gave her first blow-job this morning.  Ana, who is so painfully naive that Christian had to tell her that she could find pornography on the internet! I'm prepared to bet that Ana doesn't know what half the terms listed above are.  Remember, Christian could -and frankly, should - have taken some of the vast amount of time they weren't boinking to actually sit down and explain what this meant.

Even the CONTRACT says that the limits are "To be discussed and agreed between both parties:"!!

Let's see how Ana - you remember Ana, our heroine, don't you? - reacts to this.  Those iron-livered folks playing the drinking game, please line your shots up now.

"Holy Fuck. I can’t bring myself to even consider the food list."

 .....once more missing the point and focusing on the totally irrelevant details.  I'm actually reading this as bullying by the author - "See, I could have included the food appendix and made this chapter TWENTY pages long. Damn, why didn't I do that?!"

One last point, the contract reads very, very differently to the rest of the book.  I would not be surprised to discover that the whole contract has been lifted from one of the BDSM sites online but I'm going to leave that to Bon.

Then Ana has a mental rant about how she actually feels about this.  Again, I'm going to make short comments because the rest of this page is just a jumbled mess.  It might be intended as a stream of conciousness but it's too chaotic and it's confusing.

"How can I possibly agree to all this? And apparently it’s for my benefit, to explore my sensuality, my limits – safely – oh please! I scoff angrily"

Why am I not surprised that it's the most sensible part of the contract that Ana is most angry about?

"Serve and obey in all things. All Things! I shake my head in disbelief. Actually, doesn’t the marriage ceremony use those words… obey? This throws me. Do couples still say that?"

Ana, I know this hard, but a contractual 'friends-with-benefits' set-up is not a marriage.  Christian is NOT asking you to marry him.  Not yet, at least, because the author is still writing to the romantic formula and it's only a matter of time.

"Only three months, is that why there have been so many? He doesn’t keep them for long? Or have they had enough after three months?"

For the sake of my sanity, I'm going with the latter.  I have to believe Ana is an exception.  Otherwise, Christian has been collecting inexperienced girls and that's just too stomach-turning to contemplate.

"Every weekend? That’s too much. I’ll never see Kate or whatever friends I may make at my new job – provided I get one. Perhaps I should have one weekend a month to myself. Perhaps when I have my period, that sounds… practical."

Practical?  Ana?

"He’s my master! To be dealt with as he pleases! Holy shit."

Technically, he's only your master if you actually sign the goddamn contract. If you don't want to trust this man with this much power over you, DON'T SIGN!

"I shudder at the thought of being flogged or whipped. Spanking probably wouldn’t be so bad, humiliating though. And tied up? Well he did tie my hands together. That was… well it was hot, really hot, so perhaps that won’t be so bad."

I've said this before but if the idea of flogging is that repulsive, just. Say. No.  It is okay not to share a common kink.  It's even okay not to share the kink of the person you like.  If it doesn't turn you on, you shouldn't have to do it. 

"I can’t look him in the eye. [...] The only way I ever have any chance to see what he’s thinking. Actually, whom am I kidding, I never know what he’s thinking, but I like looking into his eyes. He has beautiful eyes – captivating, intelligent, deep and dark, dark with dominant secrets."

Ana has mentioned Christian so we are reminded that, yes, Christian is still the hottest man ever with a dash of purple prose.  Sigh.

Ana changes for bed and gets in some quality bathroom time with the voices in her head.

"I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror. You can’t seriously be considering this… My subconscious sounds sane and rational, not her usual snarky self. My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old. Please, let’s do this… otherwise we’ll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you company."

This whole paragraph makes me sad.  Subconscious is back to being the voice of reason and once more the Great Libido is willing to do anything to get laid.  Honestly, if the options are Christian Grey's fucked up idea of relationship or cats?  GO WITH THE FUCKING CATS!

Ana angsts herself to sleep without actually achieving anything.  This is another hallmark of a bad fanfic and usually, I've long since hit the back button because, fuck it, life's too short.  Ana is going to spend the rest of the book angsting about shit that she either can't control or could fix with five minutes of wearing-her-big-girl-pants.  I have no sympathy for character that can do better and just don't want to put in the effort.

We even get Ana dreaming "of four-poster beds and shackles and intense gray eyes" which makes me roll my eyes.  She's woken up by Kate because she's got a delivery.  It's going to be from Christian, isn't it?

"A smart young man with a ponytail is standing in our living room clasping a large box."

.....he's bought her a computer geek? Since Mr Ponytail hasn't gotten a name, I'm assuming he's a prop character, there to remind us again that Christian is a god among men rather than another man wanting into Ana's pants.

"“Miss Steele?”
And I immediately know whom the parcel is from.
“Yes,” I answer cautiously.
“I have a package for you here, but I have to set it up and show you how to use it.”
“Really? At this time?”
“Only following orders, ma’am.” He smiles in a charming but professional he’s-not-taking-any-crap way.
Did he just call me ma’am? Have I aged ten years overnight? If I have, it’s that contract. My mouth puckers in disgust.
“Okay, what is it?”
“It’s a MacBook Pro.”
“Of course it is.” I roll my eyes.
“These aren’t available in the shops yet, ma’am, the very latest from Apple.”"

"And, though I don't -of course- have any personal experience, I can assure you that Mr Grey is in fact hung like a horse and a better lover than Don Juan!"

This is another big weakness in Christian's characterisation - we're never shown his massive wealth or dominant personality: we're always told that what he has/does is so awesome.  Why does he think Ana - who has somehow managed for her entire college career without a laptop - is going to give a shit about what laptop she's been handed?

For someone who was uncomfortable with Christian buying her clothes, Ana takes the gift of a top-of-the-range laptop very casually, leaving the guy to set it up in the living room while she goes to get breakfast.  (Setting up a laptop shouldn't be that location-dependant, surely?) Kate asks what it is and Ana tells Kate it's on loan from Christian who wanted her to try it out.  This is technically true and Kate assumes that Ana knows what she's talking about.

"Oh my… I have hoodwinked Katherine Kavanagh. A first."

.....you are supposed to be friends, right?  That sounds spiteful and considering this is the woman who has effectively subsidised your college experience, I think you could be a little more gracious, Ana.

 "The Mac laptop is sleek and silver and rather beautiful. It has a very large screen. Christian Grey likes scale – I think of his living area, in fact, his whole apartment."

My mental estimate of Christian's cock size just halved.  We're into multiple numbers behind the decimal point here.

And Mr Ponytail reminds us that Christian is totally spoiling Ana here, with bonus dash of jealousy (because Ana isn't really living unless someone is jealous of her).

"“It’s got the latest OS and a full suite of programs, plus a one-point-five terabyte hard drive so you’ll have plenty of room, thirty-two gigs of RAM – what are you planning to use it for?
“Uh… email.”
“Email!” he chokes, bemused, raising his eyebrows with a slightly sick look on his face.
“And maybe Internet research?” I shrug apologetically.
He sighs.
“Well, this has full wireless N, and I’ve set it up with your Me account details. This baby is all ready to go, practically anywhere on the planet.” He looks longingly at it."

Because how else is the reader to know how much money Christian is lavishing on Ana if the poor geek doesn't look so downhearted at the knowledge that it will never be his.  The main characters in this book turn my stomach.

We also learn that together with the 'Me account' - which is Apple-speak, or so I'm told - Ana has a new email address.   More accurately, Ana now has an email address.

She doesn't bother listening when Mr Ponytail starts explaining how to use this and leaves it to Kate to show him out because Ana already has email!  FROM CHRISTIAN!

And they attempt to flirt.  Via email.

And they fail.

And every. Single. Goddam. Email. Includes the To:/From:/Date:/Subject and Christian's signature.  I'm just grateful we're spared the inevitable trail of previous emails. The basic gist of the conversation is that Christian has (surprise, surprise) given her the computer but Ana insists that it's still a loan.

Ana calls him Sir and tells him she does "not want or need a computer indefinitely." and reminds him that some people have to work.  Christian's last email, sent just before Ana leaves for work, reads simply

"Laters, baby.
PS: I work for a living too."

If this was a real romance, the epistolary elements would be the main focus.  Ana and Christian would be emailing because they are separated by time/work/distance.  As it is, this looks like pointless filler because it is.

Ana gets ready for work, "unable to shake [her] face-splitting grin" because Christian EMAILED HER!  We get one sentence about Ana's actual work before this happens.

"José phones at eleven.
“Hey, are we doing coffee?” He sounds like the old José. José my friend, not a – what did Christian call him? Suitor. Ugh.
“Sure. I’m at work. Can you make it here for say twelve?”
“See you then.”"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!

I have spent the guts of a post already pointing out the fucking brainless stupidity of Ana continuing to have any contact with José and I'm not going to waste our time pointing it out again.

Not only doesn't Ana think twice about this, she actually spends the rest of day mooning over Christian.

"José is punctual. He comes bounding into the shop like a gamboling dark-eyed puppy.
“Ana,” he smiles his dazzling toothy all-Hispanic-American smile, and I can’t be angry with him anymore.
“Hi José.” I hug him."

Lovely.  Racism on top of everything else?

Fuck you, Ana.

"As we stroll to the local coffee shop, I slip my arm through José’s. I’m so grateful for his – normality. Someone I know and understand.
“Hey Ana,” he murmurs. “You’ve really forgiven me?”
“José, you know I can never stay mad at you for long.”
He grins."

And I hope you enjoyed that because it's all the closure we get.  Ana runs off home for more red-hot. Emailing. ACTION!

By which I mean Christian has emailed her to say he hopes she had a good day and when Ana, who still pointedly calls him 'Sir', says she had a fine day, he says "[w]hile you are emailing, you are not researching." 

Ana reminds him again that she's stupid and doesn't know where to start.

Christian responds with the first thing that has made me laugh since "my favorite body part"

"Always start with Wikipedia."

Oh, gods! I needed that laugh.

But take a moment to savour the fact that Christian - a man who claims 12 years experience in the world of BDSM - thinks that the best place to start is WIKIPEDIA!?

Don't get me wrong - Wikipedia has its place in the 'winning trivia competitions' sources of information but seriously.  This is the internet.  I know better sites than that just from a long career of fandom.

Ana's research, based on what we're told in the last paragraph, doesn't seem to go much beyond Wikipedia. 

"Half an hour later, I feel slight queasy and frankly shocked to my core. Do I really want this stuff in my head?"

It's at this point that I think some beta reader mentioned that it doesn't seem like Ana's really in to this.  Because, well, yes - she ISN'T so Ana goes on to add that "a very moist and integral part of [her] – that [she's] only become acquainted with very recently, is seriously turned on."

There's a reason 'moist' isn't used much as a positive adjective; it doesn't sound nice.  It sound seedy and sordid - particularly when used in what is intended as an erotic novel.  This isn't titillating.  It's gross.

But Ana decides she needs to think and, thankfully, the chapter ends there.

{Bon} Chapter 9

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Ara: Chapter 10: The Nasty Bits

[Content Note: Mention of Child-Abuse, Underage sex, Abusive behaviour & excessive Caps Lock]

....all of it, please.
 
Oh gods.

Right.  We left our 'heroes' with Ana's wishes being completely ignored by Christian so Christian can ply Little Miss Lightweight with wine.

"He smiles, his dazzling, head cocked to one side smile, and my stomach pole vaults over my spleen. I can’t help but reflect his glorious smile back at him."

Gag.

Seriously, Ana, even teenage boys can rein their hormones in better than that.

But wait, because the plot-exposition fairy has arrived to sprinkle stilted conversation around!

"“My mother liked you,” he says dryly.
“Really?” His words make me flush with pleasure.
“Oh yes. She’s always thought I was gay.”
My mouth drops open, and I remember that question… from the interview. Oh no.
“Why did she think you were gay?” I whisper.
“Because she’s never seen me with a girl.”"

....Christian Grey really seems to be setting off the world's collective gaydar, doesn't he?  Ana remembers the interview with horror because, OMG, Kate put that exact question down!  Because clearly the worst thing in the world for a rich, upper-class white jerk is that some people might think that he's a gay rich, upper-class white jerk!

The horror!

"“I’ve never slept with anyone, never had sex in my bed, never flown a girl in Charlie Tango, never introduced a woman to my mother. What are you doing to me?” His eyes burn, their intensity takes my breath away."

Because truly, Ana, you are the one and only special snowflake. Christian has no ulterior motive here at all and incidentally, I have this great offer on O'Connell Bridge - only half a million bucks!

Ana wants more assurances that she's really, truly special.

So she asks what vanilla sex is.

......

The waitress brings them nettle soup and 'flounces' back into the kitchen when Christian ignores her.

....I'm going to derail here for a momentary rant.

The waitress is a customer service person.  Customer service people - as blogs and forums across the internet will tell you - get cynical and frustrated at their jobs.  Most are professional enough not let it bleed through.

The restaurant sounds expensive and pretentious which means that odds are good that the waitress is a professional waitress, not a student filling in hours.  If that is the case, then Ana is seriously asking us to believe that this woman (who is conventionally attractive) is so over-come with lust at the mere sight of Christian that she risks not only the tip (which is most of her wage) but her job by being rude?  While he is there with another woman?

This is not an uncommon trope in a certain kind of 'strong-woman-heroine' books where the author's lead female character is portrayed as a strong woman by making every other woman a shrill, jealous harpy.  It's painful to read and it honestly does not convince me that Christian is the sex-god Ana thinks he is.

But we are about to reach the first of the two conversations in this chapter that had me actually screaming at my screen.

"“Why have you never had vanilla sex before? Have you always done… err, what you’ve done?” I ask, intrigued.
He nods slowly.
“Sort of.” His voice is wary. He frowns for a moment and seems to be engaged in some kind of internal struggle. Then he glances up, a decision made. “One of my mother’s friends seduced me when I was fifteen.”"

....fifteen.

Fifteen years old is legally a minor under US Law.

Having sex with a minor even with the minor's expressed consent is a crime called statutory rape.

There are some exemptions to this if you are also a minor but it is still a legally grey area.

If you seduce the adopted fifteen-year-old son of one of your friends, that is child abuse and that is statutory rape.

Everyone with me so far?

Now, take a moment to remember that we are reading porn of this man who was a victim of child abuse and who had his views on sexuality and sexual relationships formed by his abuser.

Then read this.

"“She had very particular tastes. I was her submissive for six years.” He shrugs.
“Oh.” My brain has frozen, stunned into inactivity by this admission.
“So I do know what it involves, Anastasia.” His eyes glow with insight.
I stare at him, unable to articulate anything – even my subconscious is silent.
“I didn’t really have a run-of-the-mill introduction to sex.”
Curiosity kicks in big time.
“So you never dated anyone at college?”
“No.” He shakes his head to emphasize the point.
The waitress takes our plates, interrupting us for a moment.
“Why?” I ask when she’s gone.
He smiles sardonically.
“Do you really want to know?”
“Yes.”
“I didn’t want to. She was all I wanted, needed. And besides, she’d have beaten the shit out of me.” He smiles fondly at the memory.
Oh, this is way too much information – but I want more.
“So if she was a friend of your mother’s, how old was she?”
He smirks.
“Old enough to know better.”
“Do you still see her?”
“Yes.”"

Just to recap, not only did this woman 'seduce' a fifteen year old boy, she used him as a Submissive - and I want to state here that there is nothing wrong with being a Submissive in a Safe, Sane and Consentual relationship, but given what we've seen of Christian's interpretation of 'Submissive', I'm going to call his first sexual relationship none of the above - and denied him access to normal dating/relationships among his peer group before and during college.

....wow, Christian's fucked-up demeanour makes a lot more sense now, doesn't it?

Christian, for the entire duration of this conversation, will talk about this relationship with fond nostalgia but I'm calling bullshit.

Firstly, Christian spent six years as Woman X's Submissive.  Then, as soon as that relationship ends (and we don't get details on that), Christian immediately recreates himself as a hard-core Dominant.

Based on his interactions with Ana, Christian isn't just into Dominance and Kinky Sex.  He's a goddamn predator.  He latches onto Ana after one encounter and he stalks her - turning up in her place of work, sending her overly-expensive gifts and TRACKING HER MOBILE PHONE ILLEGALLY - until she succumbs to the force of his personality.

This is dangerous behaviour and frankly, I don't think I'm making too much of a leap when I say that Christian's behaviour can be traced  back to his first - and by far, longest - 'relationship'.

First relationships set our expectations for future relationships; it's why some people feel they should always split the bill or call the day after.  If we apply that to Christian and Ana's relationship, the picture that emerges is scary.

Christian's damaged view of women - notice how he never reacts warmly or affectionately to any woman we see him interacting with unless it's to get them to do something for him? - and relationships - see Bon's take-down of the 'Contract' for details on that - and yes, honestly, it's plausible that he has a history of abuse.

It doesn't stop him being an abusive asshole - if anything it makes it more likely but it does work with what we know of the character.

In the real world, this is where Ana should be sympathetic, empathic and gently but firmly shut down the idea of continuing their sexual relationship until AFTER HE'S GOT SOME GODDAMN THERAPY!!  Christian's abuse has damaged him and that's something that Ana - even if she actually loves him - just IS NOT equipped to help him with.

She's a college student.  She's terminally naive.  She's as self-centred as a fucking gyroscope.  She doesn't have the emotional maturity to weather Christian's mood-swings and the devastation of confronting his abuse.

But honestly, even Ana should know that child-abuse is bad and be horrified right?  I have zero expectations left at this point in the narrative but come on, that's a no-brainer, right?

She asks if Christian still has sex with his abuser.  He says no.  She asks if his mother knows - did we not just have this conversation?  She thinks he's gay because she's never seen him with a woman before! - and Christian responds with his customary tact and charm.

"He gives me a don’t-be-stupid stare.
“Of course not.”"

Lovely.

And this is Ana's immediate reaction (no, seriously, this is the very next paragraph!) :

"The waitress returns with venison, but my appetite has vanished. What a revelation. Christian the submissive… Holy shit. I take a large slug of Pinot Grigio – he’s right, of course, it’s delicious. Jeez, all these revelations, it’s so much to think about. I need time to process this, when I’m on my own, not when I’m distracted by his presence. He’s so overwhelming, so Alpha Male, and now he’s thrown this bombshell into the equation. He knows what it’s like."

Because THAT is what you should be taking away from this conversation. Christian was submissive so he totally knows what it was like!

Christian assures Ana that he managed a full-time BDSM relationship through high school and college and tells her to eat up.

"“I’m really not hungry, Christian.” I am reeling from your disclosure."

The author realizes (or more likely, her betas point out) that Christian being sexually abused is a BAD THING and tells us some more about how shocked Ana is.

Then, to make sure we don't actually start empathizing with Christian or anything, we also get this.

"“Eat,” he says quietly, too quietly.
I stare at him. This man – sexually abused as an adolescent – his tone is so threatening.
“Give me a moment,” I mutter quietly. He blinks a couple of times.
“Okay,” he murmurs, and he continues with his meal.
This is what it will be like if I sign, him ordering me around. I frown. Do I want this? Reaching for my knife and fork, I tentatively cut into the venison. It’s very tasty."

...so much fail, so little space left.

Firstly, hello again alarm bells!  (I'm going to have to find a .gif for these but I'd wipe out my hosting in a single post.)

Yes, Christian is threatening Ana.
Yes, he is ordering her around without signing the contract first.
Yes, he is doing this for no other reason than his own issues with food.
Yes, Ana's loss of appetite is completely reasonable given the circumstances.
Yes, Christian is over-reacting and he's scaring her.

If you don't feel safe during a meal in a public restaurant with this man, you should ABSOLUTELY NOT sign up to let him tie you down and beat you!  This should be obvious and we do actually see Ana half-realize this.

But with so much porn still to write, the author hastily informs us that Christian was right!  The venison is very tasty and Ana really can eat it because CHRISTIAN IS ALWAYS RIGHT!

.....if this book had a face, I would punch it.

Right, most of the rest of the conversation is plot-exposition droppings so I'm going to summarize and move on.

Christian goes on to tell Ana that this is what her life will be like if she signs the contract but she'll like it.  Ana doubts it - while happily eating the venison that she really did want!  Christian tells her to read the contract and discuss anything she wants with him because he's helpfully going to be in Portland until Friday.  He also tells her that he really wants to make this work!

"I really want to make this work. In fact, I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want this to work."

Oh, and he's totally monogamous in his relationships.  (Didn't he explicitly TELL Ana that they wouldn't be in a relationship - the contract was for a 'boink-only' arrangment?) And there is what is probably intended to be light flirting that feels like the author hitting me over the head screaming "Do you think he's sexy yet?!!"

They make the three hour drive in silence and it's only when Christian stops outside the apartment that Ana belatedly remembers this is a 'romance'.

"[Christian] switches off the engine, and I realize I’m going to have to leave him.
“Do you want to come in?” I ask. I don’t want him to go. I want to prolong our time together.
“No. I have work to do,” he says simply, gazing at me, his expression unfathomable.
I stare down at my hands, as I knot my fingers together. Suddenly I feel emotional. He’s leaving. Reaching over, he takes one of my hands and slowly pulls it to his mouth, tenderly kissing the back of my hand, such an old fashioned, sweet gesture. My heart leaps into my mouth."

Oh and Christian sets up details for the date on Wednesday that Ana never agreed to and Ana gets out of the car with this lovely little gem of a goodbye.

"“Oh… by the way, I’m wearing your underwear.” I give him a small smile and pull up the waistband of the boxer briefs I’m wearing so he can see. Christian’s mouth drops open, shocked. What a great reaction. My mood shifts immediately, and I sashay into the house, part of me wanting to jump and punch the air. YES! My inner goddess is thrilled."

....why?

The Great Libido only gives a shit when you're getting laid.  Why does she care that Christian knows you stole his underwear?

Ana goes in to find Kate packing up.  The conversation is dull and tedious so I'm just going to mention the high points.

"I have to deal with Kate’s persistence and tenacity, and I’m in possession of a legal signed document saying I can’t talk."

Big. Girl. Pants.  PUT THEM THE FUCK ON!

"“It was good, Kate. Very good, I think,” I say quietly, trying to hide my embarrassed tell-all smile."

Christian Grey, totally and for-reals a sex-god, you guys!!

"“Yeah, took almost a year to have my first orgasm through penetrative sex and here you are… first time?”
I nod shyly. My inner goddess sits in the lotus position looking serene except for the sly, self-congratulatory smile on her face."

Ana Steele is more special than you!  Also, the Great Libido is a douche.

"I must remember to Google ‘penalties for breaching a non-disclosure agreement’ while I’m doing the rest of my ‘research’. It’s like I’ve been given a school assignment. Maybe I’ll be graded."

....no comment.

"Katherine Agnes Kavanagh goes all Anastasia Rose Steele on me."

 Agnes? Seriously?  Also, apparently Grey men have magic, brain-melting powers.  Also, Kate is into Elliot!  And Ana's judging her for this!

Business as usual, then.

"If I tell Kate about José, she’ll have him for breakfast."

And totally deprive Ana of her best excuse to play victim!  Kate spoils all her fun!

"“Hey, I have interviews! The week after next, in Seattle, for intern placements!”
“For which publishing house?”
“For both of them!”
“I told you your GPA would open doors, Ana.”"

Oh, hiiiiiiiiiiii Plot-Exposition Fairy!  Gosh, it's been nearly three whole pages, how have you been!?

"I have never left continental US. Kate is off to Barbados with her parents and her brother Ethan for two whole weeks."

Kate has a brother?  How much am I bet that he is a member in good standing of the Fraternity of Those Wanting Into Ana Steele's Panties?

"The phone rings, jolting me from my reverie.
“That’ll be José.”
I sigh. I know I have to talk to him. I grab the phone."

....and this would be the second point at which I started screaming obscenities at the screen.

I'll also accept 'strength' ...or tactical nukes

For those of you fortunate enough not to remember why Ana's avoiding José: Ana got drunk.  José kissed her after Ana told him no.  CHRISTIAN SMASH!

From the very first line, I can tell I'm going to hate this conversation.  Why does Ana have to talk to him?  Why is talking with the guy who sexually assaulted you a better option than letting your friend tear him a new one?  It's been TWO DAYS.  Even if Ana wants to salvage the friendship, she can justifiably let him stew for another week at least!

But it's about to get so much worse.

"“Ana, you’re back!” José shouts his relief at me."

This seems a bit of an over-reaction.  José either knows more about Christian Grey's former partners than we've been told ...or he's an overly-possessive, fixated asshole.  I'm going with the first because Ana seems to be turned on by the second.

"“Obviously.” Sarcasm drips from my voice, and I roll my eyes at the phone.
He’s silent for a moment.
“Can I see you? I’m sorry about Friday night. I was drunk… and you… well. Ana – please forgive me.”"

And she what?  Told you no?  Repeatedly?  Because she is allowed to do that.  Ana got drunk, which was stupid but nothing about what happened between you was Ana's fault.  

You being drunk was also not an excuse.  You aren't even apologizing because you're not saying what you're sorry for, you're just apologizing because Ana's upset and that means she's not there for you which is clearly the biggest tragedy here!  Fuck you, José!

But just as I get good and mad at José, Ana opens her mouth again.

"“Of course, I forgive you José. Just don’t do it again. You know I don’t feel like that about you.”
He sighs heavily, sadly.
“I know, Ana. I just thought, if I kissed you, it might change how you feel.”"

NO! NO! NO! NO!

ANA IS THE STUPIDEST IDIOT TO EVER LIVE!

YOU'VE ALREADY TOLD HIM 'NO' AND HE'S IGNORED IT EVERY SINGLE TIME AND YOU CLEARLY HAVE NEVER CALLED HIM ON IT IN A WAY THAT'S ACTUALLY GOTTEN THE FUCKING POINT ACROSS!

BLOCK HIS NUMBER!  STOP TALKING TO HIM! HELP KATE HIDE THE BODY!

STOP BEING SO FUCKING STUPID!!

"“José, I love you dearly, you mean so much to me. You’re like the brother I never had. That’s not going to change. You know that.” I hate to let him down, but it’s the truth."

THAT'S NOT LETTING HIM DOWN!  THAT'S GIVING HIM EXACTLY THE RIGHT WORDS TO CONTINUE TO DELUDE HIMSELF INTO BELIEVING THAT IF HE'S PERSISTENT ENOUGH YOU'RE GOING TO SPREAD YOUR LEGS FOR HIM!

START WITH "YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE KISSED ME!' MOVE ON TO "IF YOU EVER DO IT AGAIN, I WILL FILE A RESTRAINING ORDER" AND FINISH WITH "I DID VALUE OUR FRIENDSHIP BUT SINCE YOU KEEP DOING THIS, I DON'T FEEL SAFE.  I NEED SOME TIME TO THINK.  DON'T CALL ME.  I'LL CALL YOU!"

AND IT GETS WORSE

"“So you’re with him now?” His tone is full of disdain.
“José, I’m not with anybody.”
“But you spent the night with him.”
“That’s none of your business!”
“Is it the money?”
“José! How dare you!” I shout, staggered by his audacity."

WHY THE EVERLOVING FUCK ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH THIS DICK-NOZZLE!?

DROP HIS ARSE OFF THE SIDE OF FUCKING BRIDGE!

"“Ana,” he whines and apologizes simultaneously. I cannot deal with his petty jealousy now. I know he’s hurt, but my plate is overflowing dealing with Christian Grey.
“Maybe we can have a coffee or something tomorrow. I’ll call you.” I am conciliatory. He is my friend, and I’m very fond of him. But right now, I don’t need this.
“Tomorrow then. You’ll call?” The hope in his voice twists my heart.
“Yes… goodnight, José.”"

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

WHY ARE YOU VOLUNTARILY MEETING THIS PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE LITTLE SHITHEAD ALONE!?  DO YOU WANT TO WIND UP AS THE VICTIM IN HIS INEVITABLE 'AMERICAN'S MOST WANTED' SPECIAL!?

"“What was that all about?” Katherine demands, her hands on her hips. I decide honesty is the policy. She’s looking more intractable than ever.
“He made a pass at me on Friday.”
“José? And Christian Grey? Ana, your pheromones must be working overtime. What was the stupid fool thinking?” She shakes her head in disgust and returns to packing crates."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!

I HATE EVERYONE IN THIS STUPID BOOK!

IF THEY'RE NOT EVIL, THEY'RE TOO STUPID TO LIVE!!

....nearly done.  Nearly.

They pack and it is domestic.  Kate gets a phone call from Elliot and wanders off, leaving Ana with only the voices in her to angst along with her.

"If I’d not met him, I’d still be sweetly and blissfully oblivious. My mind drifts to last night, and this morning… and the incredible, sensual sexuality I’ve experienced. Do I want to say goodbye to that? No! Screams my subconscious… my inner goddess nods in silent zen-like agreement with her."

...et tu, subconscious?

Even Ana's self-preservation is throwing in the towel. Before Ana can angst herself out a window and put us all out of our misery, Kate comes back and goes to bed, leaving us with this last little gem.

"“I’m glad you’re back in one piece. There’s something about Christian,” she adds quietly, apologetically. I give her a small, reassuring smile – all the while thinking… How the hell does she know? This is what will make her a great journalist, her unfaltering intuition."

 Bullshit.  BULLSHIT!  ALL OF THE BULLSHIT!

Ana, stop externalizing your common fucking sense!  JUST DON'T SLEEP WITH CHRISTIAN!  STOP BEING SO STUPID!

"I am weary from all our carnal exertions of the last day and from the complete and utter dilemma that I’m faced with. I sit on my bed and gingerly extract the manila envelope from the bag, turning it over and over in my hands. Do I really want to know the extent of Christian’s depravity? It’s so daunting. I take a deep breath, and with my heart in my throat, I rip open the envelope."

 What dilemma?  Seriously.  What's the dilemma?  Whether to listen to your (rapidly corroding) brain or your hormones? 

That's not a dilemma.  That's you being a fucking child and refusing to make the mature choice.

Also? This isn't much of a cliffhanger.  We KNOW what's in the fucking envelope!  The contract was printed VERBATIM two chapters ago and it's not like Christian really gives a fuck about it anyway!

This is just shitty, awful writing on top of shitty awful plot and SHITTY, VILE characters.

....this whole chapter made me sick.

Ara: Chapter 10, part 1: I swear this post will be shorter!

Before we begin deconstructing Chapter Ten, there's something I need to mention.

In the e-book that I'm using, chapter ten starts on page 103 (out of 356): the first 7 pages are cover, publishers info, acknowledgements and the like. That means that the first nine chapters have averaged ~10.3 pages: a little short but respectable.
There are twenty-six chapters so we're more than a third of the way through the story and we know almost nothing about Christian or Ana.

What we do know about both of our main characters could fill all of a sentence.  They're not even characters - they're stereotypes. 

Ana Steele is the naive, timid girl-next-door, looking for the man who will finally turn her on!

Christian Grey is the sexually experienced, alpha-male asshole, looking for the woman who will melt his granite heart!

Together, they....fuck in boring and uninteresting prose.

Then there's the plot, or rather the lack of one.  The basis of plot is ultimately conflict - the heroine wants something that she can't easily have; in a zombie movie, she wants to survive: in a soap opera, she wants to be happy: in a horror movie, she wants to be the last one standing with a chainsaw in hand.

What's the conflict here?  Ana wants to sleep with Christian.  Ana sleeps with Christian.  Christian wants Ana to let him control her whole life.  Ana lets Christian control her whole life.  Any tension that might blossom into a conflict, say Jose as an alternative love interest, is killed in the same paragraph (or chapter) that it's brought up, Jose is a sexual-assaulting creep for example.

We'll see this as we start working through this chapter.  The only real misunderstandings between Christian and Ana are entirely based on them both being passive-aggressive shitheads. (I could come up with a more academic way of phrasing that, but I'm sick of putting more thought into this than the author did so fuck it.)  The 'big misunderstandings' could be resolved if one of them donned their big girl panties and said "Actually, no, that's not what I meant."

That's not conflict.  That's immaturity.

Speaking of immaturity,  let's start Chapter Ten!

"He pulls out of me suddenly. I wince. He sits up on the bed and throws the used condom in a wastebasket."

Romantic!  Also, unless Christian's mother still thinks he's ten years old, she's not going to actually walk in on him.  He's 27.  He has his own multi-million dollar company.  He's had fifteen submissive female partners.  HE HAS A NINJA BODY-DISPOSAL BUTLER/MANSERVANT BLOCKING THE DOOR!

But Ana - still naked and tied up - understandably want to be untied and given clothes.  Christian mentions that this is another first.  Suuuuure it is.  This is the first ever time one of your lovers has wanted to be untied and given her clothes back?

Ana - while being tied up and naked - does take a break to assure her that yes, Christian is still hot.

"In spite of my anxiety, I lose my train of thought. Will I ever get used to looking at this beautiful man? His beauty is derailing."

Christian also has 'just-fucked hair'.  This is starting to sound like the author's new favourite phrase.  There are synonyms out there!  Bravely venture through wild thesaurus and discover the treasure within!

Coitus interruptus makes Christian....the same demanding jerk he was before.

"“Anastasia, you could be wearing a sack and you’d look lovely. Please don’t worry. I’d like you to meet my mother. Get dressed. I’ll just go and calm her down.” His mouth presses into a hard line. “I will expect you in that room in five minutes, otherwise I’ll come and drag you out of here myself in whatever you’re wearing. My t-shirts are in this drawer. My shirts are in the closet. Help yourself.”"

Don't you understand that we have to get to next sex-scene as soon as possible!

Ana goes running around to collect her clothes being mostly successful.  Unfortunately, despite going with Christian for the express purpose of losing her virginity, guess who didn't pack spare panties?

So she steals a pair of "tight" boxer briefs which are grey in a oh-so-subtle reference to Christian's 'Shades of Grey'.  Now, I am reliably informed by She Who Knows All Things (Particularly the Sexy Things) that 'girl-in-guy's-underwear' is beaten only by 'two girls' on the male all-star fantasy list.

Just imagine that it's Ana wearing them

......not seeing it. 

Ana dashes to the bathroom to see if she looks like she was halfway through being fucked by Mrs Grey's adopted little boy.  (I have my reasons for calling him that.  Trust me.)

"Holy crap… just-fucked pigtails do not suit me either."

'just-fucked' is NOT THE ONLY ADJECTIVE IN THE DAMN WORLD!  PICK ANOTHER ONE FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

Then this happens.

"I despair at my clothes. Maybe I should take Christian up on his offer of clothes. My subconscious purses her lips and mouths the word ‘ho’."

Oh look, Ana's perfectly reasonable qualms about Christian buying her clothes have been outsourced to her 'subconscious' who once again is being a mean horrible hater.  How long before Ana folds like the world's worst poker hand and lets Christian buy her whole wardrobe?  Bets are being taken now!

She goes out and Christian introduces her to his mother.

"“Mother, this is Anastasia Steele. Anastasia, this is Grace Trevelyan-Grey.”"

Okay, this seems a little cold. 

The formula that I'm familiar with would be "Mum, this is X. X, this is my mum P."  I can see the mother as Christian is so much more formal than I am but it makes me think that Christian has a problematic relationship with his mother.

The weirdness is reinforced by Doctor Trevelyan-Grey's reaction.

"“What a pleasure to meet you,” she murmurs. If I’m not mistaken, there is wonder and maybe stunned relief in her voice and a warm glow in her hazel eyes."

Allowing for the (high) probability that Ana is mistaken because she's got the sensitivity of a concussed Cape Buffalo, this seems a very strong reaction to meeting one of your son's girlfriends.

Then there is a stilted getting-to-know-you conversation which makes me want to crawl out of my skin from second-hand-embarrassment. Christian tells his mother that he met Ana through the student paper because he's "conferring the degrees there this week."

He's what the what now?

Ana LITERALLY just finished her final exams in the previous week.  And she's getting her degree conferred two weeks later? Christian's mother even helpfully confirms that yes, Ana is graduating this week.

How fast are they grading those papers?!

"My cell phone starts ringing. Kate, I bet."

If only there was a way to know who was calling, of identifying their number for example.  A feature common to all mobile phones, even!

But no, despite the fact that she's already talked to Kate and Kate has no pressing reason to be calling her back, Ana is sure it is Kate so she can be horrified that is in fact....José!

Because Ana has only two friends. 

  But it gets better!

Not only does Ana not HANG THE FUCK UP, they have a conversation that should be printed, laminated and handed out to college-age girls as WHAT NOT TO DO WHEN THE GUY WHO SEXUALLY ASSAULTED YOU CALLS!

"“Dios mio! Ana!” Holy crap, it’s José. He sounds desperate. “Where are you? I’ve been trying to contact you. I need to see you, to apologize for my behavior on Friday. Why haven’t you returned my calls?”
“Look José, now’s not a good time.” I glance anxiously over at Christian who’s watching me intently, his face impassive as he murmurs something to his mom. I turn my back to him.
“Where are you? Kate is being so evasive,” he whines.
“I’m in Seattle.”
“What are you doing in Seattle? Are you with him?”
“José, I’ll call you later. I can’t talk to you now.” I hang up."

That conversation, right there, is a huge, blaring alarm bell.  Ana should not voluntarily be in the same room with this asshole ever again.  She should block and delete his number, she should block his email addresses and she should never talk to him again.

José ostensibly called to apologise.  He needs to see Ana to apologise because gods know, what a woman who you SEXUALLY ASSAULTED the last time you went out with her socially really really wants is to be put right back in that situation.

So he doesn't apologise.  He whines that Kate is being a big meany and not telling him where Ana is.  GOOD! That's the first positive thing Kate's done as Ana's friend.  (I'm not wild about the 'evasive' - Kate should tell him to GTFO!)

But really, what José wants to do is complain that Ana is off with another man.

DUDE SHE TOLD YOU TO FUCK OFF.  SHE IS NOT GOING OUT WITH YOU!  YOU HAVE FUCK ALL RIGHT TO DEMAND TO KNOW WHO SHE'S WITH!  YOU ARE NOT HER BOYFRIEND!  YOU AREN'T EVEN HER FRIEND RIGHT NOW!

We rejoin the conversation between Christian and his mother in time to learn that the only reason Momma Grey knows her boy is in town is because Elliot told her.

....no wonder Christian doesn't want him finding out about the sadistic sex life!

Seriously, is it not a little strange that Christian's mum didn't know he was in Seattle?  He lives here, if I'm remembering correctly.  Why wouldn't he be here?

As if the author was reading over my shoulder,  Christian glares at Ana ...because....it's her fault José called her?  Christian is cross but Plot-Convenience!Ninja!Man-Servant Taylor pops up with an important phone call so Christian can have a disjointed alpha male performance to remind us that he is AN IMPORTANT BUSINESS MAN!  HE MAKES THE TOUGH CHOICES.

.....still no word on what Christian's company actually does.

I'm sticking to murder-for-hire until someone proves me wrong.

Then he gets Ana a copy of the contract so she can have a whole week to read it over and they can discuss it next weekend. 

Not that he's asked Ana to see him next weekend.  Or that Ana's said she will.  Because consent is such a formality, right?

"“This is the contract. Read it, and we’ll discuss it next weekend. May I suggest you do some research, so you know what’s involved.” He pauses. “That’s if you agree, and I really hope you do.” He adds, his tone softer, anxious.
“Research?”
“You’ll be amazed what you can find on the Internet,” he murmurs."

HA! CALLED IT! 

ALL HAIL THE MIGHT OF GOOG-

"Internet! I don’t have access to a computer, only Kate’s laptop, and I couldn’t use Clayton’s, not for this sort of ‘research’ surely?"

..........


No, seriously.  WHAT THE FUCK!?

In this day and age, in COLLEGE and Ana has no way of accessing the internet?  She doesn't have her own computer? 

Does she handwrite her essays too?

In this day and age, HOW THE EVERLOVING FUCK DO YOU NOT HAVE INTERNET ACCESS!?

But never fear, SUPER-CHRISTIAN is here!

"I’m sure I can… err, lend you one. Grab your things, we’ll drive back to Portland and grab some lunch on the way. I need to dress."

....he's going to buy her one, isn't he?

"“I’ll just make a call,” I murmur. I just want to hear Kate’s voice. He frowns.
“The photographer?” His jaw clenches, and his eyes burn. I blink at him. “I don’t like to share, Miss Steele. Remember that.” His quiet, chilling tone is a warning, and with one long, cold look at me, he heads back to the bedroom.
Holy crap. I just wanted to call Kate, I want to call after him, but his sudden aloofness has left me paralyzed. What happened to the generous, relaxed, smiling man who was making love to me not half an hour ago?"

You told him no, Ana.  So like the mature adult that he isn't, Christian is stamping his feet and having a sulk.

Our hero, everybody!

Time for more stilted plot-exposition masquerading as dialogue as Ana tries to explain why she needs to talk to Kate about sex and the questions she has about it.

"“Well,” I flush. How to say this? “I need to talk to Kate. I’ve so many questions about sex, and you’re too involved. If you want me to do all these things, how do I know–?” I pause, struggling to find the right words. “I just don’t have any terms of reference.”"

Ana gets brownie points for using Rational Argument.  Christian loses all the points for essentially telling her to talk to Kate if she wants to as long as she doesn't tell Elliot about it.

....if you don't care, WHY DID YOU MAKE HER SIGN AN NDA!?

Okay, okay, moving on because the more I think about this, the more my brain screams cruel and unusual punishment.

They sweep off to lunch in Christian's sports car.

....you know, in a two hour trip along the M1, I will see at least four of those?

It's a 'nice' car.  It's just the sort of car that says 'sales exec' rather than 'millionaire CEO'.

But that's a minor quibble.

Christian bullies Ana about not wanting eat and they pull into one of his 'favourite' restaurants.

"The restaurant is small and intimate, a wooden chalet in the middle of a forest. The décor is rustic: random chairs and tables with gingham tablecloths, wild flowers in little vases. Cuisine Sauvage, it boasts above the door.
“I’ve not been here for a while. We don’t get a choice – they cook whatever they’ve caught or gathered.” He raises his eyebrows in mock horror, and I have to laugh."

....lovely.

Ana is momentarily distracted by the fact that the waitress is ....afraid? of Christian.

"The waitress takes our drinks order. She flushes when she sees Christian, avoiding eye contact with him, hiding under her long blonde bangs. She likes him! It’s not just me!"

Y'know, based on the description of her behaviour, I'm not thinking that she's hot for your man.  I think she's terrified of him.

Christian orders Pinot Grigio for both of them, without asking if Ana wants alcohol.  Remember what he JUST said about this?  How you don't get a choice in what you eat?

"“The Pinot Grigio here’s a decent wine, it will go well with the meal, whatever we get.” He says patiently."

But there's no time to dwell on the stupidity.

It's time to have the WORLD'S MOST AWKWARD CONVERSATION.

...

....okay, now, the rest of this chapter literally had me screaming at the screen in rage and disbelief.  I need a break before I can even think about recapping it so we'll pick this up tomorrow.

Ara: Chapter 9: The morning after the clusterfuck before

Let's play a game.  I'm going to give you a sentence and try to imagine what sort of scene this sentence comes from, okay?

"Light fills the room, coaxing me from deep sleep to wakefulness."

No, the collective dreams of myself and every other reviewer suffering through this have not come true.  Ana has not been kidnapped by aliens or Raptured.  The light filling the room is apparently the sun.  Ana has been woken by morning.

The problem with this is that, the way the sentence is written, it sounds like the light wakes her.  This makes me think that maybe there's a SWAT helicopter shining a spotlight through the window or aliens or random angels.  Anything to make it INTERESTING!

But, read the book you have, not the one you want....Ana discovers Christian is asleep beside her and takes the opportunity to stare longingly at him.  Because waking up to find his latest fucktoy partner staring hungrily at his face isn't going to make Christian fear the zombie apocalypse or anything.

This is a pet peeve so maybe it doesn't apply to everyone but I hate-hate -hate-hate waking up to find someone staring at me.  If I like the person, I'll grumble.  If I dislike/don't know the person, I'll attack them.  I don't think making doe eyes at your partner while they're sleeping is cute.  I think it's creepy.

But this is an interesting opportunity.  We have very little description of what Christian looks like.  I couldn't tell you without looking back what colour hair he has.  I'm guessing he's got grey eyes but that's mostly assumption.

Now, Ana has a chance to look her fill on her very first lover; the man who shaped her ideas of what sexual pleasure was and how does Ana describe him?

"His lovely face looks younger, relaxed in sleep. His sculptured, pouty lips are parted slightly, and his shiny, clean hair is a glorious mess."

....how old is Ana again?

For what it's worth, adding adjectives will turn prose a lovely shade of purple but it doesn't actually work to convince the reader.  Readers are jaded like that: the harder the author tries to tell them that no, really, he's gorgeous and thoughtful, the more the reader will look silently and judgementally at the hundred little incidents where the author's shown he's nothing of the sort.

Also, I'm sticking on 'clean' because there was no mention of a shower last night and he hasn't woken up yet this morning and he and Ana had a bout of reasonably athletic sex last night.  His hair should be sweaty and greasy and in need of a wash!

But Ana's still musing on her man so we'll just file that under 'Ana over-romanticizes' and move on.

"How could anyone look this good and still be legal? I remember his room upstairs… perhaps he’s not legal."

.....I think my brain just tried to change gear without using the clutch.

Hold on a second,  I just need to figure out what the hell the author was thinking.

I think she was trying to add her own spin on the old 'it should be a crime to look that good' line.  She failed.  Pretty spectacularly.

I bet the translation team had fun with that one.

"he's not legal" is a term that, when applied to a prospective/new sexual partner, has a very specific connotation.  Trying to use it to make us think Christian is illegal-levels of hot is just not going to work!  That's like referring to a thief-character in his forties as 'jailbait' because he's always just one step ahead of the police!!

Ana, this is not the time to embrace your inner pedophile!

But maybe I'm reading too much into this.  It's not like there are any other creepy pedophilic overtones to what Ana's doing-

"It’s tempting to reach out and touch him, but like a small child, he’s so lovely when he’s asleep."

..........

...I think I'm going to be sick.


Moving on!  As fast as possible and trying to forget that Ana now creeps me out every bit as much as Christian does!

Thankfully, it's time for a paragraph change so Ana moves us right along!

"I could gaze at him all day, but I have needs – bathroom needs."

Classy, Ana, really classy.

Okay, seriously, this whole series is a satire, right?  An epic act of trolldom on the world in general, right?  I-I just can't believe that this was a serious effort at writing.  Please, Gods, say it isn't so!?

There is no way someone actually wrote a character with such a juvenile monologue and expected us to cheerlead her being sexually exploited?

 ...I'm going to cling to my delusions. 

Ana gets up and mistakes the walk-in wardrobe for the bathroom.  She does figure it out before she pees on Christian's suits, which is a pity.  I would have read the hell out of that resulting conversation.

Seeing such a huge wardrobe makes Ana think of Kate!  Who she totally didn't tell about the trip to Seattle but who she did promise to call.  Ana reacts with typical empathy and regret for her thoughtless behaviour.

"I was supposed to text her. Crap. I’m going to be in trouble. I wonder briefly how she’s getting on with Elliot."

Well, I did say 'typical'.

Now that Ana has graced Kate with a full five seconds of her attention, she goes back to the bedroom and stares at Christian again before trying the other door and finding the bathroom.  Ana notes ironically that he has two sinks because obviously, Christian installed this bathroom with his own two manly hands and chose two sinks just to prove again that his relationship skills are shit.

Ana doesn't bother to actually use the toilet because it turns out her real need is for a mirror.

Snark aside, I understand how experiences can leave a person feeling changed and the urge to see if those changes show can be very compelling so I'm actually not going to mock Ana for wanting to see if she looks different now that she's 'been made a woman' - to use the most sexist term I can think of.

Aaaaand then her subconscious wakes up.

"...my subconscious has woken. She’s staring at me with pursed lips, tapping her foot. So you’ve just slept with him, given him your virginity, a man who doesn’t love you. In fact, he has very odd ideas about you, wants to make you some sort of kinky sex slave.ARE YOU CRAZY? She’s shouting at me."

I don't like the term 'crazy' but I've got to admit, I'm starting to wonder about Ana's mental health.  Her subconscious is warning her that this is unhealthy and that she's not making properly informed choices.  I have to say that as far as Christian Grey goes, Ana's subconscious seems to be right on the money.

But what really worries me, and what would have me calling for an intervention if Ana was a real person, is that Ana's ignoring her subconscious.

In his book 'The Gift of Fear', Doctor Gavin de Becker argues very persuasively that when you encounter a person who gives you an uneasy feeling, there's almost always a very good reason why.  His book focuses on the idea that your subconscious retains all your survival instincts and that  'uneasy feeling' is generally a sign that the other person is behaving in a manner that you have subconsciously recognized as threatening.

Ana's subconscious is treated as a wholly external character: as is her 'inner goddess',  the Great Libido.  This really bugs me.  Ana refuses to take any agency.  She won't even own her own opinions.

The paragraph above represents a part of Ana's thought and feeling about the night before.  Based on everything we know, it seems to be the negative feelings she could legitimately have.  Christian has told her that he doesn't love her and he's emphasized that they are not in a relationship (ALL OF THE BULLSHIT, I CALL!) and he's got some kinks that Ana is repulsed by.

But who's actually voicing those fears?  Ana?  Or the demeaning, overly-negative 'subconscious'?

We've already seen that Ana completely disregards other people's opinions: she's seeing Christian after Kate warned her it was a bad idea as the most obvious example and the feeling that I get is that by externalizing her doubts, Ana is effectively giving herself permission to ignore them and follow her downstairs brain into disaster.

That's not healthy and it's not safe.

Back to the story: Ana tries to tidy herself up because apparently "[j]ust-fucked hair doesn’t suit [her]."


Now comes one of those sections that is just flat-out bad writing.

"I try and bring order to the chaos with my fingers but fail miserably and give up – maybe I’ll find hair ties in my purse.
I’m starving. I head back out to the bedroom. Sleeping beauty is still sleeping, so I leave him and head for the kitchen.
Oh no… Kate. I left my purse in Christian’s study. I fetch it and reach for my cell phone."

This?

THIS DOESN'T WORK!

Ana has the thought that she needs to get a bobbin for her hair from her purse while she's in the bathrom.   Ana then leaves the bathroom, goes towards the kitchen and fetches her  purse from Christian's study.

That doesn't make sense.  Ana should have gone looking for her purse, found it in Christian's study, checked her phone and then gone to the kitchen.  Mentioning that Ana's hungry and on her way to the kitchen breaks the flow of action and leaves the reader disoriented.

As much as possible, the reader should know where the character's going and why during any scene they spend with the character.  Even if motivation is clouded, the reader should always have an idea for why the character's doing what they're doing and how they intend to go about it!

[/rant]

New target!

Remember Kate?  Ana's rich-girl best friend who helped Ana get ready to go out with a guy that Kate doesn't like or think worthy of her and made Ana promise to stay in touch so Kate would know she is safe?  That Kate?

Guess how worried Kate was about Ana?

I dare you.  Guess.

Has she been phoning Ana's phone multiple times?  Nope.

Has she phoned Ana once, to check on her?  Nope.

Has she filled Ana's inbox with worried texts?  Nope.

Has she texted Ana?  Oh yes.

Kate has sent her THREE text messages.

"*RU OK Ana*
*Where RU Ana*
*Damn it Ana*"

Ana has probably been gone at least twelve hours by this point.  If something HAD happened to her, all Kate would be doing is confirming that no-one's going to come looking for an least another twenty-four hours so, hey, take your time, Mr Serial Killer.

This also renders the buddy system utterly ineffective.  The idea is that you keep your buddy informed of every move you make so that if you, say, DROP OFF THE MAP AND ARE INCOMMUNICADO FOR TWELVE HOURS, they can call the police.

Ana leaves "a groveling message" because Kate doesn't answer.  Repeat above .gif on infinite loop.  Way to be worried, Kate.

Ana puts her hair up in pigtails.  Why?  "The more girly I look, perhaps the safer I’ll be from Bluebeard."

Bluebeard = Christian.

....I actually don't think there's anything that I can add to that.

Ana also mentions that she's starving and breaks out the iPod to listen to Amy Studt.  Now, I actually like this song but I can't really see why Ana is listening to it.  This is a 'Fuck you, I'm awesome' anthem, not a 'Fuck Yeah! I got LAID' anthem but musical tastes are individual....

-and Ana wants to tell us that she relates to this song because she's a misfit.  White, conventionally-attractive, college graduates are the most oppressed class! We pause to cry a single tear of emo because god forbid Ana pass up a single opportunity to remind us that she's a tragic underdog.

She's dancing around the kitchen when Christian arrives and we get the following 'romantic' exchange:

"He gently pulls my pigtail.
“I love these,” he whispers. “They won’t protect you.” Hmm Bluebeard…
“How would you like your eggs?” I ask tartly. He smiles.
“Thoroughly whisked and beaten,” he smirks."

Can't you just feel the sexual tension?

Ana serves up breakfast and Christian announces that he wants to "continue [her] basic training."  Then he tells her that her omelet is delicious and to stop biting her lip because it's "distracting".

Lest we think that Christian is a selfish, petty little man, not only does he order Ana to eat but he goes on to say

"Well, as you’re sore, I thought we could stick to oral skills"

Because that's not selfish at all!  "Hey, hon, I know you're sore right now so I'll settle for a blow job."

Fuck this guy.

He then checks that she wants to stay.  Ana says "I’d like to stay for today." and adds that she has to be in work for nine the next morning.  Christian promises to get her back for work and Ana protests that she doesn't have clothes.  Christian says "We can get you some here."

Okay, remember two chapters ago when Ana said that she was uncomfortable with the idea that Christian would buy her clothes because it made her feel like a ho?

Neither does he!

Ana doesn't have spare cash to spend on clothes.  That's a reasonable concern and honestly, I can't fault her.  If I'd just had a lot of sweaty sex, I'd want multiple changes of clothes too.  Ana doesn't tell him this but she does repeat that she needs to be home that evening.

Watch how Christian reacts to what is really a completely logical and reasonable decision.

"“I need to be home this evening.” [Ana says]
His mouth is a hard line.
“Okay, this evening,” he acquiesces. “Now eat your breakfast.”
My thoughts and my stomach are in turmoil. My appetite has vanished. I stare at my half-eaten breakfast. I’m just not hungry.
“Eat, Anastasia. You didn’t eat last night.”
“I’m really not hungry,” I whisper.
His eyes narrow."

That right there?  That's not romantic.  THIS IS FUCKING DISTURBING!

A very slight disagreement - note that Ana hasn't said she doesn't want to see him again or told him to go fuck himself and lose her number - should not be triggering negative emotions this intense.

Best Beloved Housemate and I have more  serious disagreements over where we're going to eat without a millionth of the bad temper displayed here!

Christian snaps Ana to eat because he has "issues with wasted food."  Because the waste of food is the issue here.  Not whether or not Ana wants to eat or the fact that Christian has triggered Ana's anxiety so badly that she's lost her appetite.

Ana, being the good little doormat that Christian wants her to be,  eats and Christian's "expression softens".

This is abusive behaviour!

I cannot emphasize this enough: Christian is abusing Ana.  He's been threatening and aggressive whenever she fails to perform exactly as he wants her to.  He minimizes and ignores the non-verbal cues Ana uses to indicate that she's uncomfortable.  He flat out does not allow her any independent agency.

I'm reading this chapter through my fingers because it makes me so uncomfortable.

Kate (FINALLY) calls back and once more convinces me that BBH was right on the money.  Kate is a spectacularly shitty friend.

Don't believe me?  Read this exchange:

"“Ana, why didn’t you text last night?” She’s angry.
“I’m sorry, I was overtaken by events.”
“You’re okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine.”
“Did you?” She’s fishing for information. I roll my eyes at the expectation in her voice.
“Kate, I don’t want to talk over the phone.” Christian glances up at me.
“You did… I can tell.”"

Imagine for a second that you have a friend who you care about.  This friend has gone out with someone that you don't trust or like.  You don't want to undermine their decision so you don't try to stop them.  You do arrange that they'll text you to assure you that they're all right as the evening progresses.  They don't.  They leave an apologetic voicemail the next morning and when you call back, the third thing they say is "I don't want to talk over the phone."

What would you do?

Personally, I'd be trying to find out the address so I can call the cops and/or arranging to get there as fast as possible to get them away.

But that would be the grown-up, mature thing to do.  Kate just pokes Ana about how she totally got laid - because Kate can smell post-sex funk via 3G network apparently? - and mentions that she's "been waiting for this day for nearly four years."

Fuckyou!Fuckyou!Fuckyou!Fuckyou!Fuckyou!Fuckyou!Fuckyou!Fuckyou!Fuckyou! FUCK YOU!

Ana is worried.  Not because Kate is more concerned with Ana's new sex life than her safety or that Kate apparently believes still being a virgin in your twenties is shocking.

No, Ana's worried about the NDA.  Christian asks why.

"“Well, I have a few questions, you know, about sex.” [Ana] stare[s] down at [her] fingers. “And I’d like to ask Kate.”"

One.  THIS IS WHY YOU READ THE FUCKING NDA BEFORE YOU READ IT, BRAINAIC!!

Two.  You have a copy or you should.  READ IT YOURSELF.

Three.  Christian seriously didn't see this one coming?  I hate to break it to you but a just not-virgin is going to want to talk to other people about it.  However you feel about it, a person's first sexual experience is one of those formative events that people talk about with their friends.

Christian says if Ana has questions, she can just ask him.

Christian thus demonstrates that he has no idea how the human mind works.

Christian also demonstrates once more that he's an abusive, controlling dickhead.

He is also forgetting that if Ana can't ask Kate, there still remains one other place she can go for advice that isn't covered by the NDA.

ALL HAIL THE ALMIGHTY GOOGLE!

...okay, maybe not.

 Ana, showing a surprising degree of backbone, has doubts.

"I can’t ask you. I’ll get your biased, kinky-as-hell, distorted world-view regarding sex. I want an impartial opinion."

Christian objects because Kate "is making the beast with two backs with my brother" and Christian's family doesn't know about his kinks.  He continues to press and finally gets around to asking how Ana feels after last night.

Belated concern, much?

And, just because we really, really needed to know, Christian's first time having "vanilla sex" was good too.  Though he thinks that might just be because it was with Ana.

Rather than continuing with the conversation, Christian takes Ana to have a bath.

"I’m standing in the doorway, wide-eyed and wary, my arms wrapped around myself. I step forward while surreptitiously admiring his physique. He is just yummy. My subconscious swoons and passes out somewhere in the back of my head."

....yummy!?!

HOW old is Ana again?

No, wait.  Ana's subconscious became Ana's sub-un-conscious.

This means sex!

But wait, Christian has to undress her first and tell her that she's really, truly be-yoo-ti-ful.

"Anastasia, you’re a very beautiful woman, the whole package. Don’t hang your head like you’re ashamed. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and it’s a real joy to stand here and gaze at you."

That didn't sound forced or fake AT ALL!  And they get into the bath with her in front of him.  This really isn't the best position for washing up.  We get more boring narration about how they're both getting into the bath.

"I am naked, in a bath with Christian Grey. He’s naked."

 Christian lathers up and starts washing her.  This could be erotic.  It's really not.  It reads like a shopping list.  We get told about it as if Ana's a spectator and it's all 'He does this.  He does that.' I'm about to fall asleep when Christian reaches for a washcloth.

Riv-::yawn::-eting!

Then he soaps up the washcloth and starts washing between her legs.  Protip here, soap in your crotch promises an itch if you don't wash properly.  But it's okay, Christian is really trying to give her handjob.

It works, until Christian decides it's his turn and breaks out his best dirty talk!

"I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this."

........
......
....

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Please excuse me, I think I might actually have sprained something.

Hee, hee, oh man.

I needed that.  I haven't laughed that hard in weeks!

"It’s so big and growing. His erection is above the water line, the water lapping at his hips. I glance up at him and come face to face with his wicked grin. He’s enjoying my astounded expression. I realize that I’m staring. I swallow. That was inside me! It doesn’t seem possible."

...okay, new rule.  I'm not allowed to drink anything while reading this.  Particularly not carbonated drinks.

Bubbles in sinuses HURT!

But then we move from Christian showing her how to give him a handjob to Ana's first blowjob.

...I think.

"Hmm… he’s soft and hard at once, like steel encased in velvet, and surprisingly tasty – salty and smooth."

Uh, Ana?  Sweetie?  I'm not an expert or anything but I'm fairly sure that you aren't supposed to actually eat his dick.

"Moving down, I push him into my mouth. He groans again. Ha! My inner goddess is thrilled. I can do this. I can fuck him with my mouth."

Oh, hey!  The return of the Great Libido.  Joy.  Excitement. ....please tell this is over soon?

Also, while I appreciate the attempt at reclaiming that phrase - it's not actually fucking him if his dick is going into your mouth, Ana.  In fact, he is fucking your mouth.  You are the fuckee, not the fucker.

...there's a phrase I never thought I'd need.

"He reaches up and grabs my pigtails and starts to really move."

.....this is not sexy.  You are still in the bath.  If he is pulling you down onto his dick while you are in the bath, you are going to FUCKING DROWN!

Safe sex!  It's not just condom-conscious!

Also, AGAIN with the hair-pulling.  Is Christian ever going to check that she's actually okay with him doing that?

Ana tries to deep-throat him.  The Great Libido approves!

"My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves."

...wait.  She's doing the what? The merengue?  This merengue?  Your inner goddess is doing a two-part dance solo?  With salsa on top?

She does realize that those are two different dance styles, right?  With different tempos and everything?

Christian interrupts to announce...

"“Anastasia, I’m going to come in your mouth,” his breathy tone is warning. “If you don’t want me to, stop now.”"

EW.

No, seriously, EW!

Coming in someone's mouth without a condom?

Can you say 'STIs'?  Also, not only is this Ana's first blowjob, Christian is hanging out of her hair to keep her in place.  If she decides that she doesn't want him coming in her mouth, she's going to do what exactly to stop him?

Bite him?

Nope, Ana swallows like the good little gag-reflex-lacking girl that she is.  On her very first blowjob!  Christian is astonished!

"“Yet another first, Miss Steele.” He looks appraisingly at me. “Well, you get an A in oral skills. Come, let’s go to bed, I owe you an orgasm.”
Orgasm! Another one!"

Yes, Ana.  Satisfying your lover is considered good form and the best way to ensure that they ever want to see you again.

He gets out of the bath and he is naked.  The Great Libido once more approves.

"My inner goddess has stopped dancing and is staring too, mouth open and drooling slightly."

He brings Ana back to the bedroom and starts kissing her.  Once she's worked up, Christian takes a break to beg her to say yes to his arrangement.

No, I don't know why the contract is suddenly important.

Christian licks her all over which Ana is shocked and scandalized by.  He goes down on her and Ana comes ridiculously fast.

Watching Ana's orgasm apparently gets Christian so hot that he grabs up a condom and starts fucking her before she's even come down.  Ana comes on command - less than two minutes after her first one.

"I know in that moment that I would do anything for this man. I am his. The wonder that he’s introduced me to, it’s beyond anything I could have imagined. And he wants to take it further, so much further, to a place I can’t, in my innocence, even imagine."

 Christian tries to take advantage of this to convince Ana to sign up.

"“See how good we are together,” he murmurs. “If you give yourself to me, it will be so much better. Trust me, Anastasia, I can take you places you don’t even know exist.”"

 But before Ana can be obligated to make an actual choice, they are interrupted!

Christian's mother has arrived!

And only Christian's chauffeur/body-disposal guy can stop her!

So we end the chapter.

We are just under 1/3 of the way through guys.