{Bon} Chapter 8

Oh good Lord, that supposed love scene reminds me of my first time and that's not a good thing.  Honestly, if he was Aussie rather than a Yank...  Let's leave that there before I buy a ticket to Sydney and beat out a percussion of what not to do on his forehead.

Quick Summary

Christian turns his previous self around 180 degrees and decides that he's going to make love to Ana.  Ana throws his words back at him and then he does a pathetic turnaround claiming that he wants to make love to her.  What follows is supposedly hot sex but is rather pedestrian rushed sex where she comes like a firework with very little effort and he does what he wants thanks to some fancy verbal footwork.  She loses her virginity and passes out.  Woo hoo!

When she wakes up, Christian is nowhere to be seen.  Turns out that his post-coital practice is to go down and play melancholy music on his piano.  He's naked, no wait, he's not.  He's wearing PJ bottoms.  He escorts her back to bed, she tries to touch him, he slaps her hand away.  And then he covers his chest with a t-shirt.  But it's okay because Christian has a sad side.  Wtf?

Wow, that's like the shortest summary known to man, isn't it?

My Thoughts

Okay, so hands up who else is starting to think that Christian has some horrid chest skin condition that he's uncomfortable about?  I mean, first he tries to keep his shirt on while fucking and then when she reaches to pet his chest (and really yes, that's the right word because he's fuzzy!), he slaps her hand away and pulls on a t-shirt.  Actually, maybe he has a third nipple?

Seriously, the author's heavy-handed-ness is starting to get to me.  How many times does she need to say the same thing.  I know this is a housewife's novel but honestly, they have a better memory than the standard goldfish.  Although, maybe it's based around the assumption that they all have kids who are clamouring for attention so they only get to read a page at a time?  That might make sense, but please, stop doing it.  It's annoying.

 Okay, so, yes, the sex scene.  The first time that Ana and Christian get naked and fuck.  The first time that Ana gets naked with anyone and has sex.  The first time that Ana has an orgasm?  Are you serious?

Okay, background time.  I had a fairly vanilla upbringing.  Apart from a little kissing in my teens and a boyfriend who cheated on me because I wouldn't go beyond kissing, I had a fairly quiet sex life until I hit college.  It was 17 before I worked out what things did, so to speak.  Can I believe that a 21/22 year old college student hasn't even tried to pleasure herself?

Actually yes.

Women are notoriously non-curious about masturbation.   It's kinda weird, if you consider it.  Guys seem to become obsessed with their whatsits as soon as they realise that they're there, but women tend to not notice anything until a lot later in life.  Maybe it's the internal vs external thing?  I don't know, but I can actually believe it when Ana says that she doesn't masturbate.  It explains a bit about the girl.

But, to go from total innocence to where she is at the end of the chapter, that's a huge step.  And to do it all without any real foreplay?  That's insane.

Okay, lets talk about the sex:
He kisses her.  He strips her a little.  He squeezes her ass and rubs his cock against her.  He strips her some more and then shoves his nose in her crotch, and tosses her back onto the bed.  He pulls off her shoes and tickles her foot. He strips her a little more and then pulls off his jeans.  He kisses her inner thigh.  He pulls her breasts out of her bra but leaves it on.  He pulls and sucks her nipples.  She comes.  He feels up her pussy, takes off her panties, strips himself, shoves on a condom and Bang!  She's impaled.  He pokes her some and she comes again.  Then he turns her over, takes off her bra, takes off his shirt and Bang! he's in her from behind.  She comes.  He comes. She collapses.  ZZzzz's

I'm sorry, but that's it.  Mills and Boone does it better.  I mean, seriously?  It's her first time.  Woo her with a little foreplay, man.  Sure, she's wet, but honestly, it's gonna fecking hurt.  Especially seeing as she's somehow magically still got an intact hymen.  Do you know the likelihood of that happening?  It's miniscule.  Riding a bike can be enough to tear the hymen.  So you're trying to tell us that Ana has never done anything ever in her life that could be classed as strenuous activity?

Okay, so there's very little foreplay.  Gotcha.  Maybe Christian is the sort of man who just wants the one thing and doesn't know how to get a girl wet without whips, chains and floggers?  Okay, I'll give you that for a few minutes.  But honestly, the whole sex scene leaves me feeling cold.

It's her first time, goddamnit, and not just her first time fucking, it's her first time for everything.  You said that you were going to train her:

I want our arrangement to work, but you really need to have some idea what you’re getting yourself into. We can start your training tonight – with the basics.

You're a heartless bastard who can't even make love tenderly with a girl for her first time.  Gottit.   There's no training in this.  There is no idea of what she's getting herself into, apart from the fact that Christian doesn't like foreplay.  There's nothing in there that makes me think that he's a good Dom.  There's nothing in there that even comes close to anything really.

But, and this is the bit that has me tearing my hair out, Ana likes the whole thing.  She's absolutely enamoured with Christian and this is the best sex in the world for her.  Okay, so it's not like she has a lot to compare it to.  I'll give you that.  But honestly?  There isn't even a moment's pause between 'Ow, you just stuck it straight in' and 'oh yeah, baby, harder'.

I mean, okay.  I've had a problem with Christian's dialogue before and especially when he's 'being sexy'.  Apparently he has a 'considerable length'.  So how does he comfort her?

“Don’t worry,” he breathes, his eyes on mine, “You expand too.”

Well, jeez, doesn't that make you feel better?  All my fears just washed away at that one sentence.  Good Lord, Christian, can you be any more of a douche?  Oh wait!

“Pull your knees up,” he orders softly, and I’m quick to obey. “I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele,” he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex. “Hard,” he whispers, and he slams into me.
“Aargh!” I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity. He stills, gazing down at me, his eyes bright with ecstatic triumph.

Yes, the answer is yes.  Christian can be more of a douche.  Let's look at the choice of language here.  'He slams into me.'  That's not what any girl needs her first time out of the gate.  Holy Hell, but even with experience you hardly want someone slamming in there.  I mean, there are nerve endings and things.  Hell, there is a cervix which bloody hurts if you happen to slam into it.  Christ above man, could you be any more of a douche?  Oh wait.

“I’m going to take you from behind, Anastasia,” he murmurs, and with his other hand, he grasps my hair at the nape in a fist and pulls gently, holding me in place. I cannot move my head. I am pinioned beneath him, helpless.

 I already gave you my opinions on hairpulling.  I really don't like it.  I don't think it's romantic.  I don't think it's sexy but if that's your kink, then fine.  But following up a painful deflowering with being taken from behind while your hair is being pulled...  Yeah, that's exactly what she needs.  Anyone who hasn't tried it:  Doggy style is best suited to men with small cocks for deeper penetration because it goes deeper and the angles work better, but for long men, the probability of hitting the cervix is exponentially increased and it's bloody uncomfortable.

“I want you sore, baby,” he murmurs, and he continues his sweet, leisurely torment, backward, forward.
“Every time you move tomorrow, I want you to be reminded that I’ve been here. Only me. You are mine.”

 Douchy McDouchy-pants just managed to make my most hated character list here.  I get that this is supposed to be a kinky BDSM book, but honestly, can you at least try to make your characters in some way human.  She's going to be feeling it all week.  She's going to be sore for days.  And when she pees?  Agony on a scale associated only with a severe kidney infection.  Wow, way to kill my sympathy for both characters.

And then she wakes up alone.  It's one thing to put her through the tortures that you have, but to leave her on her own in a strange place, that's a little mean.

Christian is playing the piano.  He's playing a deep, forlorn song.  Objective collelative anyone?  Christian is sad.  Boo fecking hoo!

Ana is clearly way more into Christian than Christian is into her.  She's picturing the little boy he must have been while he's shipping her off to bed again.  Honestly, I don't know whether it's his lack of vulnerability or his coldness that gets to me more.  We see Christian apparently sad, and there is a great opportunity to give us more about his character but nope.  He's locked up tighter than a duck's arse in a rainstorm.

This chapter really just failed to do anything for me.  I didn't find it hot.  I didn't find it enticing.  I just found it ...  words on a page really.  I have a very visual imagination and there was nothing to hold on to, nothing to draw you close.  As much as I hate to say it, an extra 1000 words in the middle of the sex scene could have added a lot of heat.  The whole thing is coming off as rushed and the author is promising one thing and delivering a summary.

Worse, it's not even bad sex.  Well, it is, but it's not truly bad sex, it's just bleagh sex.  Anyway, the next chapter awaits.  Please let it be back to innocent naivite and bad writing rather than porn that isn't...

Ara: Chapter 8 - It only gets worse from here.....

And, back again.

Consider the above to be my new spirit animal for these reviews.  This is how I feel about every chapter because the more I read, the more depressed I get about the state of published erotica.

Since I never did a proper opening post, let me add a disclaimer here: I'm not judging people who read these.  I think you can find better porn by blind-Googling with adult content filters off but if these books do it for you, knock yourself out.  These reviews are my personal opinion and I reserve the right to mock this book senseless.

We start the chapter and again, my brain spins out on the second line.

"Two hands – that’s double exasperation."

I have to admire Ana's ability to be utterly clueless in the face of an angry (for reasons yet to be determined) hyper-control freak who not only wants to inflict pain on her but who LESS THAN A CHAPTER AGO didn't trust himself with her and so many easily accessible implements.

I say I have to because Christian - Mr Alpha-Dominant, sex-god etc - is going to spend the rest of this page slut-shaming Ana for being a virgin.  Yes, I realize this is a contradiction in terms.  Read the following quotes and try to remember that this is a man who is attempting to convince the woman he's talking to, not only to sleep with him, but to let him beat her bloody.

"“I knew you were inexperienced, but a virgin!” He says it like it’s a really dirty word. “Hell, Ana, I just showed you,” he groans. “May God forgive me. Have you ever been kissed, apart from by me?”
[...]
“And a nice young man hasn’t swept you off your feet? I just don’t understand. You’re twenty-one, nearly twenty-two. You’re beautiful.” He runs his hand through his hair again. 
[...]
“And you’re seriously discussing what I want to do, when you have no experience.” His brows knit together. “How have you avoided sex? Tell me, please.”"

Does that sound like a guy who enjoys sex?  Does that sound like a guy who expects his partner to enjoy having sex with him?  Plus, and this may just be me, it's really jarring to have Christian say 'May God forgive me' because it doesn't really gel with the character as he's been established so far.  Christian is a control freak, overachiever with trust issues and an unhealthy approach to relationships.

I say 'relationships' because, his immature comment to Ana in the previous chapter aside, if you are regularly having sex with someone with agreed timetables and limits, you are in a relationship.  It may not be a romantic or emotional relationship but it is still a relationship.

But as I was saying: given Christian's displayed characterisation, having him suddenly beg God's forgiveness is a little strange.  It makes more sense if you remember that in the original story Christian was really Edward from Twilight who does have fucked up conceptions of God but really it's one of those things that should have been changed.

Back to Ana.  We've established that Christian is being aggressive and exasperated and again, he likes to hurt people.  So what is Ana thinking during this conversation?

"Beautiful. I flush with pleasure. Christian Grey thinks I’m beautiful. I knot my fingers together, staring at them hard, trying to conceal my goofy grin."

......of course.  That's the only part of that conversation that Ana actually paid attention to.  The only bit of information that has any relevance to Ana is that Christian thinks she's hot.  Did she think he was sleeping with her for points or on a bet?  Why exactly did she think he'd go to all this trouble if he wasn't attracted to her?

This is why Ana infuriates me and honestly, why I can totally see her as a fanfic construct.  Ana insists on telling us how worthless and ugly and utterly unfuckable she is but her reaction to Christian's admission is a grin.  On a meta level, Ana knows she's the centre of the 50 Shades universe and that, in the end, she's going to get exactly what she wants from Christian and everyone else she meets.

There is no dramatic tension to this.  From the first second she falls into his office, Christian is obsessed with her.  Every move he makes, every word he speaks just reinforces that idea.  Ana is supposed to be an independent young woman in the modern world but she keeps missing the blatantly obvious because frankly, without this clichéd and tedious insecurity, there is literally nothing to the plot.

Christian wants to fuck Ana.  Ana wants Christian to fuck her.

 That's it.  That's the sum total of this plot.  Underneath the BDSM trappings, this isn't even enough plot for the sort of romance that you can buy '5 for £1' of in any second-hand or charity shop.

Since Ana's still a virgin and apparently Christian likes his women with experience, this means it's over, right?  RIGHT?

.....ha, fucking-ha.  Of course not!  Christian offers to take her home and when Ana declines, we get this masterpiece of seduction (seriously)

"“You’re biting your lip.” His voice is husky, and he’s eyeing me speculatively.
“Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. It’s just that I want to bite it too, hard.”
I gasp… how can he say things like that to me and not expect me to be affected.
“Come,” he murmurs.”
“What?”
“We’re going to rectify the situation right now.”
“What do you mean? What situation?”
“Your situation. Ana, I’m going to make love to you, now.”
“Oh.” The floor has fallen away. I’m a situation. I’m holding my breath.
“That’s if you want to, I mean, I don’t want to push my luck.”
“I thought you didn’t make love. I thought you fucked hard.”"

Oh.  Oh, wow.

Because yeah,  nothing makes a woman hotter than to be described as a 'situation'.  Fuck being considered smart or attractive or sexy!  Also, opening up your seduction with wanting to cause her pain is a stupid, stupid approach!

I mean, it's going to work because this is Ana and she thinks you existing is hot.

Then we go from porno-come-ons to our first blaring alarm bell.  Ana mentions that she hasn't signed his 'contract' which is actually a reasonable concern; Christian is a control freak, remember?

This is actually considerate of Ana since given Christian's type-A personality, he's not going to want to do anything until the paperwork's in order, right?  This is the guy who made her sign an NDA before admitting he had naughty thoughts about her, after all...

"“Forget about the rules. Forget about all those details for tonight. I want you. I’ve wanted you since you fell into my office, and I know you want me. You wouldn’t be sitting here calmly discussing punishment and hard limits if you didn’t. Please, Ana, spend the night with me.”"

..........Okay, for the record?  A guy who spends this much time explaining how he needs rules and order before he can sleep with you is a strange guy and someone you shouldn't sleep with unless you're very sure.  A guy who spends this much time explaining how he needs rules and order right up to the point where you tell him that you don't know what you're doing and then throws the rules aside in his eagerness to fuck you right this second?  That is a guy who you should be doing your level best to be on another continent from!

He murmurs some meaningless praise and Ana capitulates because, hey, she came here to be rid of that pesky virginity and by golly, that's what she's going to do!  In deference to Ana's virginity, Christian takes her to his bedroom which is painted white and has "ceiling height windows".

....in the bedroom?  I know this is a penthouse but Ana specifically says that it looks out on "high-rise Seattle" and given that this is Mr. Young-Handsome-And-Unattached-CEO....I'm just saying, shouldn't paparazzi be a concern? This is the house he keeps his playroom in, after all.

Ana has a case of the nerves - not surprising - and Christian proves what a considerate and caring lover he really is.

"“I assume you’re not on the pill.”"

Again, disclaimer!  Safe sex is a good idea.  Safe sex is awesome!

This is also something that people should talk about when they're getting ready to sleep together.  However, this fails utterly in terms of writing because, congratulations, you've just killed the mood.

The problem with safe sex is that it takes a very, very skilled writer to make a discussion of pill v condoms anything but coldly clinical.  There's also the assumption that Ana isn't on the pill.  True, she isn't sexually active but that doesn't necessarily mean she isn't on the pill.  Women take the pill for a lot of reasons.

Also, the way Christian talks here, the primary consideration is contraception.

Given his ADMITTED past, I'd be more worried about STIs.

But we're already past the issue and Ana doesn't even give him an answer because it's time for the sex scene. I've been dreading this. 

Again, I read fanfic.  I have read some pretty bad porn in my time so this should be fairly straight-forward, right?

.............

....one second please.


I just wanted to check something.  The writer, EL James, is a married woman.  More than that, she is married with children.  I must therefore conclude that she has, at some point, actually had sex.

Not that you could prove it by the way she writes about it!

 Let's start with this:

"“Do you have any idea what I’m going to do to you?” he adds, caressing my chin.
The muscles inside the deepest, darkest part of me clench in the most delicious fashion. The pain is so sweet and sharp I want to close my eyes, but I’m hypnotized by his gray eyes staring fervently into mine."

WHAT PAIN?

Seriously! He's "caressing" her chin.  A caress is not a punch.  Her internal muscles clenching might be a new sensation but if clenching them hurts, then stop fucking around with this idiot and get your stupid butt to a doctor!

I don't claim to have practical experience of hetero-sex - asexual, remember? - but the only time you should be feeling discomfort is during actual penetration! If you're hurting before he's touched you, then this is going to suck.

The only thing Christian's actually done is take her shirt off.  Rereading, I find that he bit her lip.  A FULL PAGE AGO!

He praises Ana's skin and kisses her, pulling her close as he lets her hair down.  Then he mentions that he likes brunettes while he humps her.  Did I mention that Christian has been undressing up to this point?  And hard?  And that Ana's still wearing her jeans?

Can you say 'semen-stains'?  Congratulations! You put more thought into this than the author did!

Ana is wrapped up in the kiss and doesn't notice that Christian's steering towards the bed until it hits the back of her knees.  Ana proves that she's read her share of bodice rippers.

"I think he’s going to push me down on to it, but he doesn’t."

When your narrator can see how the scene is supposed to be going, you have gone so far into cliché that your authorial credibility isn't even a dot in the rearview mirror.

Christian licks her belly button and bites her belly.  Ana paws at his hair as he slowly strips off her jeans and her 'Converse' and wait, wait, hold on a moment!

Two chapters ago, when Ana was getting ready for this 'date' there was this description of a scene that happened off-camera.

"Under Kate’s tireless and frankly intrusive instruction, my legs and underarms are shaved to perfection, my eyebrows plucked, and I am buffed all over. It has been a most unpleasant experience. But she assures me that this is what men expect these days. What else will he expect?"

So you're telling me that Ana shaved, plucked and buffed but she couldn't make the effort to dress up at all?  Not even a skirt or pretty shoes?  Seriously?

Okay, back to the boreplay- I mean, foreplay.

Christian leaves her in her underwear and tells her that he wants to watch her masturbate.  Not that he actually uses that term.  No, Christian asks "how [she] pleasure[s] [her]self" because every Dominant is coy and cutesy when they talk about sex, didn't you know?

He parts Ana's legs - again, this is something that gets done to her, not something Ana participates in.  Christian settles between her legs and paws her breasts until she comes for the first time.

Ana's first ever climax!  Which we get three lines describing and two of those lines are summing up how it affected her.

"That was extraordinary. Now I know what all the fuss is about."

Wasn't that insightful?  Don't you know so much more about Ana and her desires and wants and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

Apparently, even Christian can't orgasm the prude out of Ana.  He praises her for being "very responsive" and cups her groin.  Not that Ana uses that term.  This is how Ana describes Christian fondling her crotch.

"His hand moves down my waist, to my hips, and then cups me, intimately... Jeez. His finger slips through the fine lace and slowly circles around me – there."

You know that rule about parenting? The one that says if your child is old enough to ask the question, they're old enough to hear the answer?

There should be an inverse of that rule.  If you can't name your genitalia in your own internal monologue then you aren't ready to have sex.  I know that slang for woman's genitals is bad but there is quite a lot of them to choose from.  If 'cunt' doesn't work, try 'pussy' or 'twat' or 'snatch'.

Yes, none of those words are sexy but coyly dancing around it is seriously not sexy to read about.

Particularly when you use "clitoris"  in the very next line!

But Christian is bored by foreplay!  Christian wants to fuck!  So he pulls out his dick, puts on a condom and slams into her.

......

This, please remember, is Ana's first time!

She's never had sex before.

She's never even masturbated before.

The only thing she might have had inside her before tonight is a tampon!

Christian prepped her with one finger!  He doesn't bother with reassurance.  Even Ana describes that first penetration as an act of violence.

"...I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity"

Does that sound pleasant?!  Does that sound like the sort of experience that anyone would ever want to repeat? EVER?!

The rest of the page is Christian fucking her and Ana climaxes at the start of the next page with Christian right behind her.

The whole sex scene lasted  3 pages! Including foreplay and stripping and 'safe-sex' talk.  Three pages to encompass the entirety of Ana's first tim.....

...Wait a second.  There are four more pages in this chapter.

Oh.  Oh no.  Oh GOD no!

We have this exchange:

"“Did I hurt you?” Christian asks as he lies down beside me propped on one elbow. He tucks a stray strand of my hair behind my ear. And I have to grin, widely.
“You are asking me if you hurt me?”
“The irony is not lost on me,” he smiles sardonically."

Ana doesn't actually answer because, well, it's not like there is any reason for Christian to worry.

It's not like it was her first time...oh, wait!

It's not like he's the first guy she's slept with...oh, wait!

It's not like she's sleeping with a sadist...oh, wait!

It's not like he's generously endowed...oh, wait-...actually, we only have Ana's word for that but you see my point.

Ana AGAIN thinks that "Now I know what all the fuss is about."

Two orgasms in less than five minutes isn't a fuss, Ana.  It's a goddamn miracle!

Also, Ana wants to do it again!

Yes, that makes her sound like a ten-year-old.  Yes, even if he hadn't been borderline violent, she'd be feeling raw and tender.  Yes, the best thing to do would be sleep/have a bath and think about sex later.

Has she lost her mind?

....huh.

Okay, half a point to the writer.  The only way I can see anyone wanting to repeat the sex described this far is if they didn't remember doing it the first time.  I really wouldn't describe it as good sex but maybe Ana's just a shitty narrator?

This time, Christian wants to fuck her from behind and Ana's hormones are temporarily sated long enough for her to notice he's still wearing his shirt.

Again, I have to go back and read the description of Christian stripping which I must have skimmed in self-defence, assuming that he got naked but apparently all he took off was his watch and his shoes.

....Chippendales, this really isn't.

He holds Ana in place and pulls her hair - just like he did in the elevator  and AGAIN, he doesn't ask or warn Ana that he's going to do this.  This is one of those things that are fine to do so long as both parties consent but ONLY if both parties agree ahead of time that it's okay.

He talks about wanting Ana to fuck his mouth and I'm weirdly relieved to discover that Christian at least gets a potty-mouth during sex.  He fucks her, after fingering (thumbing her) with more care than he did the first time and Ana comes again when he tells her to.

Then she passes out and I cheer....until I notice that there's still two pages to go.

....goddammit!

Ana wakes up with no idea of how much time has passed but we are at least spared the overtly symbolic dreams.  It's nearly dawn and Ana is alone in bed.

The reason Ana has woken up?  Christian is playing the piano.  Naked.

He's playing Bach and Ana moons over him for a bit before noticing that he's actually wearing pjs.  No, I don't know how she missed that.  Christian talks a little about Bach and mentions that he's been playing since he was six and Ana retrospectively thinks he was adorable.  Despite never meeting him as a child.  Despite the fact that based on the ages given, she would have been a foetus when he was six.

They talk about how Mrs Jones is going to be perplexed by the fact that there is blood on the sheets.  Ana is not weirded out by the fact that his housekeeper is going to see the soiled sheets.  Nor does she think that given the playroom, Mrs Jones is probably just going to be relieved that he isn't leaving her corpse in the bed.

No, Ana has just realized that this is her first time seeing Christian's bare chest.  When she tries to touch, he pulls away and puts on a t-shirt.

OW!  I think that plot point just brained me!

Christian cuddles up behind her and Ana closes her eyes on the tragic, tragic thought that Christian Grey has a sad side.  ),:

I close this review on the tragic thought that there's still another 246 pages to go....

{Bon} Chapter 7

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Ara: 50 Shades : Chapter 7 - Not enough cake in the world.....

Okay, this chapter's opening line annoys me. Quelle surprise?

Remember last chapter?  LITERALLY the second last line reads "And it feels like [Ana's] travelled back to the Sixteenth century and the Spanish Inquisition."  Now, the Spanish Inquisition isn't something I've read a lot on; it's unrestrained bigotry, paranoia and hate.  But you know what most of the Inquisition's rooms looked like? Cells.  Cells filled with the dying, the broken and the dead.  You know what else?  The Spanish Inquisition's worst excesses took place during the sixteenth century, just as an added kick in the teeth.  The sheer miasma of horror from an Inquisition's cell would have given anyone with a soul nightmares for the rest of their existence!

So how does this chapter open?

"The first thing I notice is the smell; leather, wood, polish with a faint citrus scent.  It's very pleasant, and the lighting is soft, subtle."

.........I am really, really starting to hate this woman.  She's like an annoying teenager who believes that circumventing the parental control on the internet makes them the greatest expert on sex and politics.

The room, which Ana describes as 'womb-like' (and yes, that is a verbatim quote), turns out to be a fairly stereotypical BDSM dungeon.  There's a St. Andrew's cross, an iron grid fixed to the ceiling with ropes, chains and glinting shackles.  Now again, I'm not a bondage expert but 'glinting' is an adjective that I would apply to metal and metal shackles are not something I would use with a partner that I actually liked or you know, wanted to survive.  There's also two polished poles which are displaying Christian's collection of floggers.

There's also a pool cue holder filled with canes and a random chest of drawers. Ana wonders 'briefly' if she wants to know what's in the drawers.

....yes, because when the guy of your dreams/nightmares decides to kick-start your first date (after stalking and sleeping with you already) with a tour of his flogging dungeon, CLEARLY the biggest concern is what's in the drawers.  I mean, I'm expecting that he keeps the eyes of his previous victims in there but then my reaction to Christian Grey is less 'what a hunka burnin' love' and more 'oh my god, that guy's a serial killer!' and there is not enough space on the planet for me to feel safe around this guy.

But Ana has already been distracted: there's a bed!  A four-poster bed, no less.

Again, am I the only one who's thinking Christian's 'dungeon' was put together by  a horny girl?  A four poster bed, with no bedding (aside from the leather/satin cushions) with more gleaming cuffs/chains.  Y'know, I'm getting the feeling that Christian might be into tying people up!  It's so subtly hinted at that I can't tell you why I think this.

But what Ana fixates on is the couch.  Because it's facing the bed.  And then she smiles to herself because huh, this is quirky exposition that once again fails to establish anything other than the utter implausibility of Ana being this stupid!  She looks up to see 'karabiners' (which Google assures me is a valid spelling for carabiners but still makes my hackles rise) hanging from the ceiling and "vaguely wonder[s]" what they're for.

Twenty-four years old, educated at a secular college and living with a room-mate who we've established has a healthy sex life.....and the author wants us to believe that Ana has no idea what a room like this is used for? 

This is a room, full to the brim with restraints and implements to inflict pain, that LESS THAN A PAGE AGO YOU COMPARED TO THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

So what is Ana taking away from this?

"Weirdly, all the [furnishings] make the room kind of soft and romantic..."

She immediately says that she knows it's anything but even if she hadn't just said that she finds it romantic, she flip-flops again because this is is "Christian's version of soft and romantic."


Oh-kay.

How exactly do you know this, Ana?  At least in the original Twilight, one of the characters was explicitly telepathic.  You don't have any reason to believe, based on Christian's previous behaviour, that this man has a romantic bone in his body!  The only way you could possibly support that assertion is if you'd been reading the author's outline and even then, I honestly doubt you'd find textual evidence to support your claim!


Ana looks around with Christian right behind her.  She's drawn to a flogger - which Christian helpfully identifies for her because Ana only knows paddles, whips and riding crops apparently - and this is what shocks her.


Her subconscious - the only part of Ana that I am whole-heartedly rooting for - short-circuits, probably due to Ana's complete inability to develop any self-preservation.  Her first reaction to 'finding out a potential lover is a complete freaky sadist or masochist?"


Fear.  That is literally the first answer to spring into Ana's mind.


This is important because I am fully prepared to believe that a lot of people find BDSM titillating.  Given the coy sexualization of popular culture, I can also fully believe that many people feel ashamed or nervous about admitting this kink.  I came of age in fandom and trust me when I say, I got jaded fast on the weird things that turn people on but I know shame and nerves are real and valid reactions.


I just don't think Ana is one of those people.  If she was attracted to bondage or painplay, then I would expect her reaction to equal parts shock and fascination.  If she was curious about this kink and exploring it with this man, then she should also be excited.  But Ana's kneejerk reaction to the idea of inflicting pain or having pain inflicted is fear.


This is, as Dr DeBecker would say, all the reason you need to politely decline and back out of the situation.  As alarm bells go, this is the big grand-mammy of them all!


Ana can't do that; Ana immediately backs down and claims that she isn't afraid of Christian because "[she doesn't] think he'd hurt me, well, not without my consent."  This, I remind you, is the man who showed up at her place of work without warning, bugged her cell-phone, took her back to his house, stripped her and slept in the same bed with her after she passed out.  Which part of this - exactly - is supposed to show that Christian gives a single damn about what Ana thinks or wants?


We have the most stupid conversation between the two; Ana asks if Christian likes giving or receiving and he says that he likes doing it to women who want him to.  Once more, based on his previous behaviour?  I am calling ALL OF THE BULLSHIT.


Ana asks why she's here if he's got volunteers lined up and Christian admits he wants to "do this with [her] very much."


Ana asks if he's a sadist.  (Pro-tip, the answer is yes!)  But Christian says he's a Dominant, like the two are mutually exclusive and says that he wants Ana "to willingly surrender [herself] to [him] in all things."


When Ana, not unreasonably, asks what's in it for her? Christian's response is "To please me,"


Ana has a sexual epiphany right there and declares that she wants "him to be damned delighted with [her]." No, this makes no sense in context either. 


Christian is then frustratingly vague about what 'pleasing him' actually entails. This just makes no sense and once more highlights that this author is just not good at her job. In the hands of an author who actually knew how to write erotica, Christian could not only explain but make the explanation part of his seduction and convince Ana (and the reader) that this is something sexy and pleasurable.

Christian's actual seduction skills are pretty much nonexistant; so far, he's flown Ana up to his home in Seattle, being creepy all the way, and made her sign paperwork to see his playroom and given her the weakest possible sales pitch imaginable short of 'uh, hey, you wanna?'.  This guy is supposed to be a hard-hitting CEO, right?




He takes her out of the playroom because it's too distracting to see her there.  I assume the reader is supposed to read 'distraction' as 'overpowering need to just screw her'? (Pst, Ana? That right there is ANOTHER alarm bell.  Why are you not running?)


Amazingly, Christian then hikes the creepy factor even HIGHER by bringing Ana down the corridor and shows her a "sterile and cold" room.  Her room.  (After checking with my co-sufferer, I realize that it's not clear if Christian occupies the whole building or just the penthouse or what?  This is starting to seem like a TARDIS!)


Ana is horrified by the idea that Christian wants her to move in.  Tying up and beating? A-Ok! Stalking? A-OK! Moving in? OMG YOU MONSTER!


The room is for Ana to sleep in, "Just say, Friday evening through Sunday." because Christian "[doesn't] sleep with anyone, except [Ana], when she's stupefied with drink."


So, Ana needs to be passed out drunk before Christian will share a bed in the non-sexual sense?  Once more, I call ALL OF THE BULLSHIT!  Either Christian lied like a Des Kelly carpet about not doing anything with Ana or he's just refusing to sleep with her because she obviously wants to.  Either way? HE'S A DICKHEAD!


And those are indeed alarm bells going nuts once again, Ana.



Ana reacts in the mature, rational manner of a toddler being told no and Christian brings her downstairs to eat.  He also helpfully tells her that since she signed the NDA, she can ask questions.


Given his track record with actually answering questions, I am completely unsurprised when he evades all the personal questions, ultimately resorting to talking about cheese to avoid any discussion of his past.  I would expect an Alpha male (as Christian supposedly is) to just flat out say 'My past is not your concern.  Keep your questions relevant.' but Christian prefers to talk about cheese. ????



Christian shows his dominant side by politely insisting that Ana eat.  Then they talk about his track record (15 women) and dance around the issue of Christian hitting her.  It's all Christian being coy and Ana being clueless but enough of the petty small talk! The meal is left behind as they move on to what we've all been waiting for!  Hard. Hitting. PAPERWORK!


No, again, I'm being serious.


Christian has a contract. This contract, honest to god, looks like the sort of thing that terminally clueless anti-social boys post on their website (and then wonder why anyone with a a double-X chromosome runs a mile every time they try to talk to them).  It looks like it was copy-pasted off a forum post.  It's also not a BDSM contract.  This is a straight-up slave contract.  This is not the sort of contract you should even be reading if you are as obviously (and blatantly) vanilla and inexperienced as Ana.


This is not just setting the limits for their 'playtime'; this contract explicitly strips away Ana's agency and puts everything from her sleep schedule and eating patterns under Christian's control.  There is - no lie! - a list of foods that she can eat and she isn't allowed to snack unless it's fruit.  Christian will not only have control over what she wears, he will buy it for her!  She has to exercise regularly so he has to provide a personal trainer who will report to him on her progress!  She has to keep herself clean and waxed: also, she has to visit a beauty salon and submit to additional treatments chosen by Christian.


But it's the last section that makes my inner feminist explode.  "The Submissive [Ana] will conduct herself in a respectful and modest manner at all times. ... She shall be held accountable for any misdeeds, wrongdoings, and misbehaviour committed when not in the presence of the Dominant."


Reread that last sentence.


The very next sentence out of Christian's mouth is about the need to specify Ana's hard limits.

The ENTIRE fucking premise of the contract is that everything is laid out in black and white so both parties know where the limits are and have agreed on them.  The contract is useless in that regard because the only things specified are what she can eat (again, so not kidding about that) and her hard limits.  What beauty treatments does Ana not feel comfortable with?  Never discussed.  What sort of workout routine does Ana feel comfortable with?  Never discussed.  What constitutes a misdeed or a wrongdoing or misbehaviour?  Never discussed. 


Also not discussed? Where the limits are on punishment.  The hard limits are explicitly associated with 'any sexual activity deemed fit and pleasurable by the Dominant' - nothing to suggest they carry over to punishments.


Ana objects.  Not to anything I've listed above but she objects to him buying her clothes.  She feels uncomfortable - just the idea of him buying her clothes makes her feel like a 'ho'.  Christian sneers at her ability to buy clothes he will like on her as-yet-unaccquired-job's salary so they compromise.  He's going to buy her clothes.  She doesn't have to wear them when she isn't with him.


That isn't a compromise.  That's utter capitulation.


She does argue him down from four sessions with the personal trainer a week to three.  Christian is duly impressed by her negotiating skills and offers her a job with his company.


I really truly believe that Christian is impressed and doesn't just want Ana completely dependant on him in all aspects of her life.


Then they move onto hard limits.  These boil down to 'no fire: no scat: no watersports: no bloodplay: no needles/knife: no gynaecological play: no pedophilia: no bestiality: no permanent marks and no breath play.'


Ana feels "a little queasy" at the idea of any of those.  Christian "asks kindly" if there's anything she wants to add and Ana admits that she doesn't know because she's "never done anything like this."


This, at the risk of sounding repetitive, is so obvious that you can see it from PLUTO!  Christian knows enough about her to track her phone and find her place of work but he's somehow MISSED that she's not sexual active!?

Ana confesses and I swear to gods, it reads like the big denouement of a Harlequinn trash-novel.  Right up to the point where Christian flips out.

He seriously looses his head over this and we close on him aggressively invading Ana's personal space and demanding to know why she didn't tell him!!!?


....this is only going to get worse, isn't it?

{Bon} Chapter 6 - So behind schedule...

And so, after a bit of a sojourne away from 50 Shades while I worked on editing something more worthwhile than this book (in my own not so humble opinion), I'm back.  Torturing myself with this tripe while listening to 90's dance music.  This can only go well...

Quick Summary

Ana spends the first couple of paragraphs wistfully reliving the kiss, which was her first 'no-holds barred' kiss.  Then she rapidly changes to wondering if it happened because Christian has changed back to his usual distant self.  After a quick banter over eclectic tastes in music, Christian is plagued by phonecalls, including one from his brother who immediately asks him if he got laid.  (I'm starting to like his brother more than anyone else so far, that's a bad sign!) Christian takes Ana to her apartment without ever asking where it is and thus showing off his stalker credentials again.  Ana briefly meets Elliot who turns Kate into liquid mush with a single kiss and then Christian and Ana leave.

Kate starts after the details as soon as the door shuts, like any good friend would, and Ana admits that she'd like to give up her precious cherry blossom to Christian.  Kate smiles and then...  Makeover!!!

Ana goes back and forth about whether she can sleep with Grey and again ponders the whole paperwork thing.  She's worked herself up a little by the time that Christian arrives.  They go to the airport and hop an elevator (nothing happens because it's only three floors) and then there is a helicopter.  Christian, she's already yours, you don't have to roll out the red carpet. 

There's awkward almost chatter and Ana keeps trying to encourage Christian to just do her right there on the U-shaped off-white sofa.  Christian sticks a pin in that for a moment and grabs a non-disclosure agreement for her to sign.  She signs it WITHOUT EVEN READING IT!  What a numpty.

Then feeling brave, or faking it thanks to the wine and her inept professions of lust, she asks Christian if that means that he's going to make love to her.  He says no, that he doesn't make love, that he only fucks.... hard.  He also says that she's got a lot more paperwork to do before they do that and asks would she like to see his playroom.

By the end of this chapter, just for your edification, I was actually reading it through my fingers.  They are two of the most inept characters on the face of the planet right now and I can't watch how bad this is getting.

My Thoughts

Let's talk about Ana and her reasserted naivité.  It's not cute.  You're twenty-four, girl.  If you haven't been kissed before now, what the heck have you been doing?  Christ, I got my first kiss (tongues and all) at twelve.  It was crap but I didn't know any better.  You know, now I'm wondering about her reaction to Christian's kiss.  She has started calling it mystical.  Jesus, girl, if a kiss is mystical, you are far too innocent to be out and about on your own.  You're just asking for a unicorn to burst your bubble aren't you?

As time ticks on, I assign it mythical, Arthurian legend, Lost City of Atlantis status.

Oh girl, you are so totally gone.  You like Christian, we get this, but honestly, it's just a kiss.  Get over yourself.  Oh no, wait.  Now she's wondering if she has imagined it.  Do you often have invasive delusions?  Because if you do, I can google the name of a good psych hospital near your location for you.

Okay, so I'm going to be a music nerd for a few moments.  You may want to skip ahead.  The Flower Duet from Lakmé is a very famous opera aria.  In it, two characters sing to nature entreating it to come to them.  Lakmé is set in the late nineteenth century in India while it was still under British rule.  Hindus were forced to practice their religion in secret.  Why is it name checked here?  It could have something to do with submission of the Indians by the heavy handed British.  It could have something to do with secret practices such as BDSM in the modern world.  Or it could just be a very pretty piece that the author wanted to include because it shows that Christian is cultured and erudite.  Realistically, I think I might be reaching a little there, but seriously, what guy in their mid-late twenties listens to opera in their Audi SUV (two more reasons to hate Christian - but that might be personal on my part).

Okay, back to our regularly scheduled snarking.  Christian Grey killing Ana's hopes of another quick fumble in the elevator shaft or whatever they're calling it these days.

“Anastasia,” he muses. I scowl at him, but he ignores my expression. “What happened in the elevator - it won’t happen again, well, not unless it’s premeditated.”

Be still my beating loins, doesn't that just make you wet just thinking of some hot guy saying those words to you?  Oh wait, no.  No it doesn't.  Christ, Christian, way to be creepy.  How long did you spend planning your previous moves on her?  Honestly, I'm starting to think that you're a douchbag.  Okay so I might have been thinking that since Ana mentioned the Audi SUV but ya know how that goes!

Also, can I just mention this sentence?  This is also completely incoherant.  Ana's wondering why he won't kiss her again and then comes out with this bombshell...

Honestly, his surname should be Cryptic, not Grey.

He's not being Cryptic.  He's not speaking.  Cryptic would be if he was giving you little clues or, ya know, spelling it out in a damned crossword on page whatever of the New York Times...  He's not Cryptic.  He's infuriating.

And while we're at it; you've got to work on your subtlety, Christian.  I mean, Ana needs to work on her memory and the author needs to learn that her audience aren't mentally deficient gold-fish.  He sent her books.  One presumes that he knows her address because the courier didn't knock on every single door around the university.  Still, that is creepy levels of stalking.  Ana, check outside your duplex for candy wrappers, butts, impressions in the dirt.  I'm not putting it past Christian to have been perving through the curtains...

He pulls up outside my duplex. I belatedly realize he’s not asked me where I live - yet he knows. But then he sent the books, of course he knows where I live. What able, cell-phone-tracking, helicopter owning, stalker wouldn’t.

You see, there's an element of Ana's joking in there but SHE'S RIGHT!  He's a stalker.  He's also a creep.  Honey, put the psycho down and walk away from him.

I am retrospectively frustrated.

First of all, honey, you're just plain frustrated, but it's nothing that a quick look online or a quick into town wouldn't solve for you.  They've got these great inventions now called vibrators.  They come in all shapes and sizes and I guarantee they'll solve that frustration without the need to take out a restraining order.  If they get out of hand, just take out the batteries.  Much cheaper in the long run, and they work on your schedule. 

Ana is doing my head in.  Seriously.  She's now courting the stalker.  She's finally had the thought, correctly, that Christian knows a heck of a lot more about her than he should.  Let's count it up.  He knows her address, her phone number, can track her GPS...  Okay, it's all doable by someone who's determined and it would be a snap for someone with unlimited resources but honestly, does it sound healthy?  The answer there, honey, is no!  But instead of running away, you're running towards it.  I swear, you're a damned moth fluttering around a flame, aren't you?

“I liked what happened in the elevator,” I murmur as I climb out of the car. I’m not sure if I hear an audible gasp, but I choose to ignore it and head up the steps to the front door.

Grrr...  Christain gasped?  I highly doubt it.  And if he did, then congrats author, but you just had him break character.  That annoys me.  Okay, that annoys me more.  Let me explain what I mean: Up until now, we've got this untouchable image of Christian.  He's in control and there has only been one chink in his armour - that moment in the elevator.  Everything that the author has spun so far has pointed to a man who needs to be in control of every little thing.  He knows what she's thinking as if he was reading along with the book as well.  She's clearly attracted to him and not doing a lot to hide it.  But when she puts it into words, suddenly Christian is shocked to the point where he gasps.  Seriously?  Because nope...  I don't believe it.

But, to brighter things.  It turns out that blowing minds runs in the family.  Elliot manages to reduce Kate to mush, leaving Ana feeling deprived.  Poor pet.

He turns to Kate and pulls her into his arms and gives her a long lingering kiss.
Jeez… get a room. I stare at my feet, embarrassed. I glance up at Christian, and he’s watching me intently. I narrow my eyes at him. Why can’t you kiss me like that? Elliot
continues to kiss Kate, sweeping her off her feet and dipping her in a dramatic hold so that her hair touches the ground as he kisses her hard.
“Laters, baby,” he grins.
Kate just melts. I’ve never seen her melt before – the words comely and compliant come to mind. Compliant Kate, boy, Elliot must be good.

My mind goes to strange places at times, and it's often not a good idea to let it out wandering about on it's own, and now is one of those times.  I'm suddenly filled with an image of Christian and Elliot being sat down and taught how to kiss in a small schoolroom.  And ewww....  That image needs to die in a fire.  I'm not even going to write down the rest of it because ewww ewww ewww...  *shiver*  Suffice it to say that I didn't need my old german teacher's image in my head at the same time!  That was just wrong.  I'm putting it down to my brain fighting back after being forced to read this chapter.

Alright, then we get to the part of the chapter where Christian is a massive showoff.  I mean seriously.  We know that he's a billionaire.  We know that he has a driver.  We know that he has a helicopter.  But he's practically perfect in every way.  He's successful at a majorly young age.  He can fly (and has been able to for the past four years).  He has, what I have to presume, is a penthouse in a building with a helipad on the room, and his night-time tipple for the two of them is a $100 bottle of wine.  Yeah, she's already panting for it, Christian.  You could show up with a case of cheap American beer and she'd still be gagging for it.  For a naive prude, she's remarkably easy. 

Seriously, you say yes Christian, and she'd drop panties for you right there and then.  I mean, she wants to lick your stubble.

I drink in his features from beneath my lashes. He has a beautiful profile. Straight nose, square jawed – I’d like to run my tongue along his jaw. He hasn’t shaved, and his stubble makes the prospect doubly tempting. Hmm… I’d like to feel how rough it is beneath my tongue, my fingers, against my face.

Which, can I just say, NO!  That hurts.  It's... No.  Stop that.  Running your tongue along his jaw isn't sexy.  That's like someone sticking their tongue IN your ear.  It's just wet.  I had an ex who liked doing both and I ended up telling him that 'It's okay.  I already washed my face today!'  Okay, so strangely enough I was single again shortly after that, but ewww.  Just no.  Kiss along his jaw, nuzzle him, nibble the line of his jaw; those are fine.  But licking?  Jeez girl, are you a dog or something?  Just no!

It's honestly one of those lines that sounds better in your head than it is in real life.  Add in stubble to that and no.  Stubble is sharp and prickly and it's bad enough to get beard burn on your cheek.  Getting it on your tongue.  Owie!

But it's okay because Ana has no idea what she's doing.  I mean, her chat up lines leave a lot to be desired.

“You’re just so… competent.”

What man doesn't want to hear that when they're trying to seduce an innocent?  Forget, you're hot or wow, those pants make your ass look fine!  You're so competent.  That's where it's at.  Try it when you're out on a Friday night.  See how well it works for you.

Now we get to the part of the chapter that had me cringing and reading through my fingers.  The Non Disclosure Agreement.  If it was just that, I could possibly understand it.  His lawyers make him do it.  He's got a fiscal responsibility to stay out of the papers and away from embarrassing stories.  I can get that, but there's the niggle in the back of my mind that reminds me where this relationship is going and I know that the NDA is just the first step.

Add into that the fact that Ana SIGNS IT WITHOUT READING IT!  Good Lord girl, how stupid are you.  Oh no!  It's okay because you wouldn't have talked about it anyway.  How do you know what's covered in the NDA?  Can you admit being sexually active to a doctor?  Can you tell people where you were?  Can you say that you were in Seattle?  How tight is it?  What is the penalty?  What is the burden of proof?

You don't know?  That might have something to do with the fact that you haven't read the fecking document.  NEVER sign something without reading it.  That's like the first rule of life, isn't it?  This falls under informed consent.  You can't give full consent without having an understanding of the results, but not reading it won't help you in a court case.  No lawyer will touch your case.  You screwed up on that one, Ana.

Christian lets her sign it, and why wouldn't he?  She's falling straight into his trap.  And it gets worse.

“No, Anastasia it doesn’t. Firstly, I don’t make love. I fuck… hard. Secondly, there’s a lot more paperwork to do, and thirdly, you don’t yet know what you’re in for. You could still run for the hills. Come, I want to show you my playroom.”

There's a lot more paperwork to do?  Jesus, Christian you know how to make a woman feel wanted.  You better have a massive dick at the end of this to make it worth the ride for Ana.

Ana, as a woman of the world and one that's been around the block a couple of times, stay away from any guy who isn't looking for anything more than a fuck.  He's just going to break your heart because with your naivite and his worldliness, you're going to fall and fall hard and then thanks to the NDA, you can't even have a booze, ice cream and bitch session after the "break up".

And yes, strangely enough, Christian's playroom contains not a single gaming console.  Who couldn't see that coming?

*shakes head*  I'm already expecting some clichéd dungeon type playroom, by the way.  I guess we'll find out fairly soon if I'm right.

Laters!

Ara: Chapter 6 - WHY GOD WHY!?!?

....I don't see how Ana has survived to twenty four.  Seriously.  I don't.  How the fuck has she not been horribly murdered somewhere in backwoods Washington State?  And where do I file a complaint that this hasn't happened? Is there a predators' union or something?

We pick up in the immediate aftermath of the 'elevator kiss' that Ana describes as a 'outburst of passion that exploded'.  Strike one: if this is the first time Ana has been kissed and actually enjoyed the experience, then this really is not being portrayed in the text.  This is in fact giving me flashbacks to Jose's attempted kiss because there's nothing about why Ana is so affected, just a lot of purple prose to assure us that she is.  Also, if the kiss is that sudden overwhelming passion, why are they both able to stroll casually out to the SUV?  In fact the first two lines in this chapter are to tell us that Christian owns a black Audi SUV which is a 'beast of a car'.  Ha, ha, ha- bullshit.  I have seen Audi SUVs and while they are large and ugly cars by European standards, they would look ridiculous beside the average American pickup truck. Also, while Audi vehicles have a long tradition of being the dickhead penis-compensation-car of the well-off in the UK/Ireland, they are not high-testosterone cars.  They are also low-end luxury cars, the kind bought by middle managers with families, not rich tycoons.

If this is desperate, urgent passion, I dread to think what their relationship is going to be like when the ardour cools.

By the sixth line, Ana has relegated the kiss to 'mythical, Arthurian Legend, Lost City of Atlantis status'.  That's a whole lot of repression, right there! Seriously, Ana should still be feeling the tingle in her scalp from having her hair pulled.  It's been THREE MINUTES!  This is her first 'proper no-holds-barred' kiss?  The first time I was kissed, I put more time into thinking about it than Ana does and I was 12!

Also, Ana, if a guy backs you up against a wall, kisses the shit out you and pulls your hair, I think you are more than entitled to talk about it!  PARTICULARLY if you're GETTING INTO HIS CAR TWO MINUTES LATER!!  Seriously, he kissed you.  You are part of this kiss and if you want to discuss it and he doesn't, your next step should be to find someone who does want to discuss the whole 'kissing/hair-pulling/

stalking' issue.  Might I suggest the police?

But rather than don her big-girl pants and address the myth in the room, Ana is distracted by Christian's choice in music.  (Okay, I'm starting to see how it took Ana six years to get through college and I'm betting, she relied heavily on Kate's notes because Ana's attention span would have made lectures so much fun.)

Also, Christian's choice of music? Opera.  Because god forbid we should lose any opportunity to emphasis Christian's stereotypical super-villain checklist.  I have a sneaking suspicion that the only reason Lakmé was chosen is that it has an all-girl duet.  There's nothing in the opera's plot (about imperialistic bastards and 'dishonoured' women) to relate to Christian's character or give us any insight into his motivation.  It was chosen because it sounds pretty.

Oh, and apparently the music also seduces Ana.  For a prude, she really is easily seduced.  She asks if Christian likes classical music, hoping for a 'rare insight' into his personal preferences.  If only she had had the opportunity to ask him questions in some kind of ...interview-like session before we were faced with this information!

Christian's taste in music is 'eclectic' and it depends on his mood. He names two specific ends of his musical spectrum - Kings of Leon and Thomas Tallis. He volleys the question back and Ana's response is '"Me too. Though I don't know who Thomas Tallis is."'

..........do I really, really need to point out the problem here?  Ana's tastes in music include a composer who she's NEVER HEARD OF but who must be awesome because the guy she's crushing on likes him!  That's the sort of bullshit that the girls I grew up with considered to be immature when we were 13 years old!

Christian gets two cryptic phone calls - one from a rasping gentleman called Welch who has 'the information you require' and one from Andrea to tell him the NDA is ready.  Honestly, I read the first exchange with Welch as an indicator that Christian is some sort of crime boss.  Christian also doesn't bother with even cursory manners and Ana, in an all too brief moment of sanity, thinks that she's glad she doesn't work for him because he's rude on the phone.  Not that this stops her from wanting to sleep with him.

Then Christian's brother Elliot calls and literally the first question out of his mouth is 'D'you get laid?'.  For those of you that drowned your memories of the previous chapter in copious amounts of alcohol, I remind you that when Elliot last saw Ana, they were on the dance floor, Ana was so drunk she had thrown up and she passed out cold in front of him.  Elliot's brother then took her home, removed her pants and SLEPT IN THE BED BESIDE HER after ordering sexy lingere in her exact size.  Christian is adamant that nothing happened but if I was in Ana's shoes, I would be seriously doubting him right now.

Christian, it should be noted here, doesn't deny that he got laid.  He doesn't react with horror or disgust but resigned amusement that Elliot is talking so crudely when Christian has him on speaker.  A genuine knight in shining armour or decent human being would respond with horror or outrage or at least remind Elliot that he only took Ana home because he wanted to be sure she was okay.  Not Christian.

He also greets Ana by her preferred nickname and tells her that he's heard a lot about her in a husky voice.  Ana assumes that Kate has been talking about her.

Okay, hold up, I'm not savvy with one-night stands being asexual and all but Kate was tipsy, breaking out all her good moves and, if Ana-the-prude is to be believed, one short step from climbing Elliot like a tree right there on the dance floor.  The assumption was that Kate and Elliot were off to have athletic sex as soon and as often as possible.  At what point exactly did Kate pause in the wild-monkey-sex and start talking about her room-mate?

Honestly, based on what we know, I think Elliot's been hearing about Ana from Christian which is a whole other level of creepy.

Christian is also dropping Ana off and picking Elliot up from her apartment apparently and he hangs up.  There is a bitchy little back and forth about why Christian won't use Ana's nickname - the one EVERYONE ELSE she's close to uses - which Christian doesn't actually explain himself in.

Then Christian casually informs her that what happened in the elevator will only happen again if 'it's premeditated'.  No! Really?  So the last time you were the elevator, you slipped and landed on her mouth?  KISSING IS BY ITS VERY NATURE PREMEDITATED, DICKWEED!  Also, bullshit that the elevator encounter wasn't premeditated.  You were drawing up paperwork in your head to let you do it!

Ana notices, in an aside, that despite her not telling him where she lives, Christian knows her address.  This is immediately ignored.  In women with functional senses of self-preservation, this is the point where they start pricing pepper-spray and tazers and buddy-systems.

Ana is too busy pouting that Christian has said he won't kiss her again.  Why can't she just kiss him?  I mean, unwanted sexual advances are absolutely to be avoided but given that he was practically gargling your tonsils a few minutes ago, I think he's on board here.  I don't get why Ana feels she has to wait for him to kiss her.  Grow a pair and kiss him if that's what you're so eager for!

And Kate of the bi-polar-friendship strikes again.  She hugs Ana and is hostile towards Christian.  If you didn't trust the guy making off with your UNCONSCIOUS room-mate/best friend, Kate, you shouldn't have prioritized your booty call over her safety!

We also learn that Elliot, who is Christian's adopted brother, is nothing like him.  Because god knows that living in the same house, sharing a childhood and all that have nothing to do with how you turn out and people don't ever have anything in common with the people they live with.....

He kisses Kate goodbye and Ana is mortified.  Because a kiss in the privacy of your own home with both sets of hands above the waist and a Hollywood-style dip is so much more scandalous than hair-pulling and stomach humping in a hotel elevator in the middle of the day.  Dear Ana, STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING HYPOCRITE!

Also, Ana is jealous because Christian isn't kissing her like that.  (Again.  Big-girl Pants.  Don them!)

The brothers leave and Kate, displaying that most heinous of character traits - curiosity - asks if Ana slept with Christian.  Ana is immediately furious and tries to shut down any further questions.  She's also very nasty in her thoughts about Kate - who did sleep with the guy she went home with - using words like 'ensnared' to describe how Kate attracts men.  It comes across as spiteful and jealous but Ana claims to be happy when Kate tells her that she's seeing Elliot that evening.

I'm calling bullshit.

And I'm proven right because Ana immediately interjects that Christian is taking her to Seattle that evening.  Her crush/stalker is better than Kate's boyfriend, so there!  Kate asks if Ana's planning to sleep with him in Seattle and Ana says she might.  Kate also remarks that the first man Ana falls for is a billionaire and they laugh.  Then Ana tells Kate about the 'unexciting details' of her time with Christian.

Because I want there to be one person in this book who I don't want to kill with fire, I'm choosing to read that as Ana failing to mention the creepy, invasive behaviour on Christian's part.  Because if Kate hears half the things that Christian has pulled and her IMMEDIATE reaction is NOT 'Ana, that's not something he should have done' or 'Hon, you need to call the police!', then she's a shitty friend and should be left alone to die in a corner.

The paragraph about Ana's day at work is one of those crimes against the craft of writing.  Ana is busy but the day drags and she has to stay for two hours after the store closes doing mindless work which gives her too much time to think because she hasn't had a chance to think.  It's just....people don't work like that!  Long boring days and frantically busy periods of work don't work like that.

Then we get another contradictory narration; Kate puts a lot of work into getting Ana ready for her date with Christian because that's what men expect these days.  Ana has to convince her to do this because Kate doesn't like Christian.  Ana is glad she hasn't told Kate about the helicopter and promises to text when she gets to Seattle.  Because if Christian takes you somewhere else in his helicopter where there isn't reception, you're totally not going to be screwed and wind up a tragic statistic.

We also get the 'Jose issue'.  No, seriously, that's how Ana describes it.  The 'Jose issue'; because being sexually assaulted by a friend while drunk is just an issue.  Being trapped alone with a guy who refused to listen when you told him repeatedly that you didn't want this and who kissed you and might have done god knows what to you if your stalker hadn't stepped in less than twenty four hours ago merits eight short sentences.  One paragraph and Jose vanishes from Ana's thoughts like he never existed.

Ana says she's not going to answer his calls because '...I have decided to let him stew.  I'm still too angry with him.'

Ana would not know anger if it beat her up and stole her car.  Ana is planning to let the GUY WHO SEXUALLY ASSAULTED HER LESS THAN A DAY AGO 'stew' because she's 'too angry' to talk to him.  And apparently Kate knows that Jose assaulted Ana because she's been covering for Ana by being vague about where she is.

Okay, fuck you, Kate.  You are a shitty friend.

If, god forbid, I or one of my friends was sexually assaulted by someone we both knew, I would not be half-heartedly covering for their desire not to talk to their attacker.  I would be actively explaining (probably via percussive Morse Code) what a shitty thing the attacker had done and how very, very, very sorry they were going to be for what they'd done.  I would not be answering the phone to them except to tell them that they were a shitty person and should be ashamed.

Remember, this isn't an out of the blue thing; Ana says when she first mentions Jose that he's been failing to accept that Ana does not see him in a romantic/sexual life since they met in first year.  She says that they have had the 'let's be friends' talk multiple times and Jose STILL ASSAULTED HER!  This isn't a misunderstanding or an overreaction!  This is a guy who is not willing to take no for an answer despite being told multiple times to knock it off.  This is a rapist waiting to happen!

Kate should be being supportive and/or putting the fucker's knee-caps in!  Not being ' vague as to where [Ana is]'!

But Ana's not thinking about it either.  Ana's thinking about the vexatious question of paperwork because after dismissing the first guy to sexually assault you in the last day, clearly the natural thing is to fret about the OTHER guy who sexually assaulted you. 

....okay, deep breath.  I'm moving on from this before I explode with rage.

Ana is frustrated by the paperwork. Will she have to sign something or what? It's a contract.  Signing is generally expected of you, yes!  And Ana then leaps to the conclusion that paperwork = fucking and wonders if she's ready.  This is a valid concern so clearly.....yup, right on cue, Ana's 'inner goddess' (AKA Ana's deeply repressed libidio) pops up to demand that Ana stop thinking and start humping.

Ana's 'inner goddess' has apparently been ready to fuck for years and is even more ready to fuck Christian.  And because we can't mention how Ana is going to sleep with Christian without Ana mentioning how totally unworthy and unfuckable she is, she frets about how mousy she is and wonders what Christian could possibly see in her.

Right now?  My money is on a low-cost doormat.

Christian picks her up in the Audi - this time with bonus chauffeur! - and asks about her day.  He too has had a long day....hiking with his brother.  (Don't these guys need to sleep or eat or are they literally fucking machines?)  Christian holding Ana's hand is apparently enough to liquefy her ovaries.  Casual contact with Christian is apparently more than her hormones can take.

Ana is the female equivalent of a premature ejaculator, isn't she?

Also, for those who doubt me when I say that this writing is actually painful to read, consider this one sentence:

"The drive to the heliport is short and, before I know it, we arrive."

If you can explain to me exactly what the second half of that sentence achieves in terms of advancing the plot or deepening our understanding of the characters....well, you've probably been playing the 50 Shades drinking game and should be getting your stomach pumped.

Ana has a Pavlovian reaction to the elevator that they take up to the helicopter.  Apparently she's been thinking of the kiss all day and her boss had to shout at her on two separate occasions to get her attention.  (Why hasn't Ana been fired?)  She mentions an electrical attraction between them (and presumably the lift, given that the attraction wasn't there when they were in the equally enclosed car not two minutes before) and how it's 'enslaving' her.

The helicopter is - surprise! - a company helicopter and Ana wonders if this is misusing company property.  She doesn't actually ask and Christian loads her into the passenger seat and straps her in.  There is what I think is meant to be a bondage-lite interaction with the harness which just comes across as an uneasy cross between a technical manual and a 13 year old's LJ.

Christian then breaks out a lot of SERIOUSLY creepy 'Flirtation' about how Ana can't escape him and how he likes the harness and she's safe with him but only in the air.  In an established BDSM relationship, this could have been genuinely flirtatious banter but Ana doesn't miss a single opportunity to remind us that she's innocent and confused and doesn't understand.  This makes Christian's 'banter' sound a lot more like threats.

Remember, she's strapped into the cockpit of a helicopter under his control on top of a building that he owns, staffed by people in his employ.  Ana is literally powerless and frankly, should be remembering some vague but important appointment somewhere as far from Christian as she can get and as fast as she can go.

There's an info-dump to show that the author did her research (doubtful) and to mention that Christian's building has a helipad (presumably for ease of body disposal after his current stalkee is finished with).  Christian, in the most genuinely male action thus far, talks technical at Ana while she pervs on him and then has a mini-freakout about how she is totally and for real, no lie, going to lose her virginity tonight!

They talk a little more and Seattle appears which makes Ana think of Bladerunner which makes her think of Jose because it's his favourite filme which makes her feel guilty about not talking to him.  The same Jose who, in case you forgot, sexually assaulted her 24 hours ago.  But Ana is clearly the monster here for not calling him until tomorrow!


GRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!


Two more pages.  I can do this.......


And as they go to land, after nearly an hour in the air, Ana realizes that she's totally in Christian's power and goes weak at the knees.  Also, probably weak at the brain-stem too because she has ANOTHER freakout about how Christian couldn't possibly want her and how she's not what he wants and omg! Anxiety attack!

Christian gets them down alive (to my great disappointment) and performs his very first decent human action by telling Ana that she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to.  This would have carried more weight with me if you hadn't waited until after you flew her into a whole other city where she doesn't know anyone or have anywhere else to go if you throw her out and you hadn't spent the whole evening so far treating her like a prop rather than a person but okay, baby steps.

And Ana responds to this invitation to share her feelings by.....lying through her teeth.

She tells him that she never does anything she doesn't want to.  At this point in the book, I literally cannot think of one single thing that Ana has done that she actually wanted to do.  EVERY SINGLE ACTION ANA HAS TAKEN HAS BEEN FROM OBLIGATION, APATHY OR FEAR.  She has been worrying herself literally sick with doubts but as soon as she is given the chance to express those doubts, she denies everything.  SHE EVEN ADMITS TO HERSELF THAT SHE'S LYING HER ASS OFF.

Ana is trying to commit suicide by apathy.  There just isn't another explanation for this rampant stupidy.

We get a description of Christian's home which can be summarized as follows: "BIG! EXPENSIVE! LUXURIOUS! EXPENSIVE! HI-TECH! EXPENSIVE!  HAVE-I-MENTIONED-HOW-RICH-

CHRISTIAN-IS-ENOUGH-TIMES-YET?
!"

He offers Ana food and she declines, thinking that she's not hungry for food.  Which is surprisingly worldly for Ms Prudey McVirgin-Pants but whatever. This is followed by overt, heavy-handed references to Tess of the D'Ubervilles in which the author is purely being pretentious and I had to take a minute to go beat up a cushion in lieu of my innocent netbook.

And the paperwork appears! It's the NDA mentioned before! (Honestly, somewhat surprising - that was so not the important-foreboding-

telephone-conversation that I would have expected from Christian's earlier conversations.) Ana signs when Christian tells her too and is scolded for not reading the damn paperwork which I can't argue with.  NEVER sign legal paperwork without reading it and being at least somewhat sure you know what you're agreeing to.  Christian is somehow acting as both the bad guy (insisting she sign an ominous NDA) and the good guy (warning her never sign without reading) and Ana doesn't notice a problem with this.  Or with the fact that Christian only scolds her AFTER she's agreed to sign the paperwork.

Emboldened by this, Ana asks if he's intending to make love to her.  Christian scoffs and says that he doesn't make love - he fucks.  (I am surprised there isn't a mention of Ana's 'inner goddess' going a conga at this point.)  And he says that Ana still might want to run for the hills (ha, ha, ha....it is to fucking laugh.  Ana isn't going to run if you break out an adult diaper bag.  Ana probably wouldn't run in your damn house was on fire.)

Christian (in what is probably his best 'spooky' voice) tells her that she has to see his playroom first.  Ana - ever oblivious to the glaringly obvious - wonders if her virginity is going to be lost via XBox.  Christian laughs (and re-establishes his man card by naming the Playstation too) and takes her to see for herself.

Christian opens the door, sweeping Ana back to the Sixteenth Century and the Spanish Inquisition (Praying monks? People burning alive? Screaming, begging prisoners? Blood on the walls? Decapitated heads?) and she gasps!

And finally, thank fuck, the chapter is over!