Ara: Chapter 11: RETURN OF THE PAPERWORK

There is a reason that the title of this post is in caps.

Remember how I mentioned the big cliffhanger from the previous chapter was Ana opening the envelope to read the contract (that they'd already READ) and my reaction was...underwhelmed?

This chapter opens with that contract.

This chapter - in the edition I'm using - is fifteen pages long.

The contract - in this same edition - is SEVEN PAGES long.

Technically, given that the first and last pages in this chapter are less than half a page long, the contract is HALF the chapter.

And yes, the contract is the ONLY thing on those seven pages.  Nothing of Ana's reaction, no sense of how she feels.  Just a straight-up info-dump of information that looks like it's been copy-pasted in.

My main complain about the contract is how boring it is and how it utterly kills any excitement: I don't know enough about BDSM contracts to tackle the inevitable problems there.  So I'm going to drive-by snark here - picking out the bits that strike me as particularly stupid.

 "2 The fundamental purpose of this contract is to allow the Submissive to explore her sensuality and her limits safely, with due respect and regard for her needs, her limits and her wellbeing." 

....so Christian paid someone else to write this?  Seriously, this completely contradicts EVERYTHING Christian has said or done about the relationship he wants to have with Ana. This looks a lot more like the sort of contract Bon was talking about.

"..all that occurs under the terms of this contract will be consensual, confidential, and subject to the agreed limits and safety procedures set out in this contract. Additional limits and safety procedures may be agreed in writing."

So, hairpulling falls where exactly?  Christian was pulling her hair before he even hinted that he wanted to fuck he.  That doesn't seem to fit.

"Adherence to the above warranties, agreements and undertakings (and any additional limits and safety procedures agreed under clause 3 above) are fundamental to this contract. Any breach shall render it void with immediate effect and each party agrees to be fully responsible to the other for the consequence of any breach."

.....and this one right here, you should probably forget exists.  The author already has.

"The remaining sub-clauses of this clause 15 are to be read subject to this proviso and to the fundamental matters agreed in clauses 2-5 above."

Here's the thing.  All the legalese in this contract means effectively nothing because there is a precedent in US law that says no matter what you sign, you cannot sign away your fundamental rights.  This is not an actual legal document.  In a 'typical' BDSM relationship - based on my limited understanding - breaking the contract would cost the breaker their standing in the community.  Christian seems incapable of socializing and there's no indication that he's even aware the BDSM community exists.

I'm starting to think that this is just another way for Christian to bully Ana into doing exactly what he wants

.....also, there really isn't much in these seven pages for me to actually snark at.  It's not interesting reading, it's doing nothing to advance the story and frankly, if this is your idea of porn, I highly recommend a career in contract law.  So I'm going to leave tearing the contract apart to Bon.

This contract ends in the appendices and the very last one left me staring at the screen.

It is - and I swear that I'm not making this up - a multiple choice questionnaire about the limits and sex acts Ana is willing to set down.  Take a look at the first three questions.

"Which of the following sexual acts are acceptable to the Submissive?

• Masturbation
• Fellatio
• Cunnilingus
• Vaginal intercourse
• Vaginal fisting
• Anal intercourse
• Anal fisting

Is swallowing semen acceptable to the Submissive? 

Is the use of sex toys acceptable to the Submissive?

• Vibrators
• Dildos
• Butt Plugs
• Other"

Now, remember that this is Ana, who had her first ever sexual experience last night and gave her first blow-job this morning.  Ana, who is so painfully naive that Christian had to tell her that she could find pornography on the internet! I'm prepared to bet that Ana doesn't know what half the terms listed above are.  Remember, Christian could -and frankly, should - have taken some of the vast amount of time they weren't boinking to actually sit down and explain what this meant.

Even the CONTRACT says that the limits are "To be discussed and agreed between both parties:"!!

Let's see how Ana - you remember Ana, our heroine, don't you? - reacts to this.  Those iron-livered folks playing the drinking game, please line your shots up now.

"Holy Fuck. I can’t bring myself to even consider the food list."

 .....once more missing the point and focusing on the totally irrelevant details.  I'm actually reading this as bullying by the author - "See, I could have included the food appendix and made this chapter TWENTY pages long. Damn, why didn't I do that?!"

One last point, the contract reads very, very differently to the rest of the book.  I would not be surprised to discover that the whole contract has been lifted from one of the BDSM sites online but I'm going to leave that to Bon.

Then Ana has a mental rant about how she actually feels about this.  Again, I'm going to make short comments because the rest of this page is just a jumbled mess.  It might be intended as a stream of conciousness but it's too chaotic and it's confusing.

"How can I possibly agree to all this? And apparently it’s for my benefit, to explore my sensuality, my limits – safely – oh please! I scoff angrily"

Why am I not surprised that it's the most sensible part of the contract that Ana is most angry about?

"Serve and obey in all things. All Things! I shake my head in disbelief. Actually, doesn’t the marriage ceremony use those words… obey? This throws me. Do couples still say that?"

Ana, I know this hard, but a contractual 'friends-with-benefits' set-up is not a marriage.  Christian is NOT asking you to marry him.  Not yet, at least, because the author is still writing to the romantic formula and it's only a matter of time.

"Only three months, is that why there have been so many? He doesn’t keep them for long? Or have they had enough after three months?"

For the sake of my sanity, I'm going with the latter.  I have to believe Ana is an exception.  Otherwise, Christian has been collecting inexperienced girls and that's just too stomach-turning to contemplate.

"Every weekend? That’s too much. I’ll never see Kate or whatever friends I may make at my new job – provided I get one. Perhaps I should have one weekend a month to myself. Perhaps when I have my period, that sounds… practical."

Practical?  Ana?

"He’s my master! To be dealt with as he pleases! Holy shit."

Technically, he's only your master if you actually sign the goddamn contract. If you don't want to trust this man with this much power over you, DON'T SIGN!

"I shudder at the thought of being flogged or whipped. Spanking probably wouldn’t be so bad, humiliating though. And tied up? Well he did tie my hands together. That was… well it was hot, really hot, so perhaps that won’t be so bad."

I've said this before but if the idea of flogging is that repulsive, just. Say. No.  It is okay not to share a common kink.  It's even okay not to share the kink of the person you like.  If it doesn't turn you on, you shouldn't have to do it. 

"I can’t look him in the eye. [...] The only way I ever have any chance to see what he’s thinking. Actually, whom am I kidding, I never know what he’s thinking, but I like looking into his eyes. He has beautiful eyes – captivating, intelligent, deep and dark, dark with dominant secrets."

Ana has mentioned Christian so we are reminded that, yes, Christian is still the hottest man ever with a dash of purple prose.  Sigh.

Ana changes for bed and gets in some quality bathroom time with the voices in her head.

"I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror. You can’t seriously be considering this… My subconscious sounds sane and rational, not her usual snarky self. My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old. Please, let’s do this… otherwise we’ll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you company."

This whole paragraph makes me sad.  Subconscious is back to being the voice of reason and once more the Great Libido is willing to do anything to get laid.  Honestly, if the options are Christian Grey's fucked up idea of relationship or cats?  GO WITH THE FUCKING CATS!

Ana angsts herself to sleep without actually achieving anything.  This is another hallmark of a bad fanfic and usually, I've long since hit the back button because, fuck it, life's too short.  Ana is going to spend the rest of the book angsting about shit that she either can't control or could fix with five minutes of wearing-her-big-girl-pants.  I have no sympathy for character that can do better and just don't want to put in the effort.

We even get Ana dreaming "of four-poster beds and shackles and intense gray eyes" which makes me roll my eyes.  She's woken up by Kate because she's got a delivery.  It's going to be from Christian, isn't it?

"A smart young man with a ponytail is standing in our living room clasping a large box."

.....he's bought her a computer geek? Since Mr Ponytail hasn't gotten a name, I'm assuming he's a prop character, there to remind us again that Christian is a god among men rather than another man wanting into Ana's pants.

"“Miss Steele?”
And I immediately know whom the parcel is from.
“Yes,” I answer cautiously.
“I have a package for you here, but I have to set it up and show you how to use it.”
“Really? At this time?”
“Only following orders, ma’am.” He smiles in a charming but professional he’s-not-taking-any-crap way.
Did he just call me ma’am? Have I aged ten years overnight? If I have, it’s that contract. My mouth puckers in disgust.
“Okay, what is it?”
“It’s a MacBook Pro.”
“Of course it is.” I roll my eyes.
“These aren’t available in the shops yet, ma’am, the very latest from Apple.”"

"And, though I don't -of course- have any personal experience, I can assure you that Mr Grey is in fact hung like a horse and a better lover than Don Juan!"

This is another big weakness in Christian's characterisation - we're never shown his massive wealth or dominant personality: we're always told that what he has/does is so awesome.  Why does he think Ana - who has somehow managed for her entire college career without a laptop - is going to give a shit about what laptop she's been handed?

For someone who was uncomfortable with Christian buying her clothes, Ana takes the gift of a top-of-the-range laptop very casually, leaving the guy to set it up in the living room while she goes to get breakfast.  (Setting up a laptop shouldn't be that location-dependant, surely?) Kate asks what it is and Ana tells Kate it's on loan from Christian who wanted her to try it out.  This is technically true and Kate assumes that Ana knows what she's talking about.

"Oh my… I have hoodwinked Katherine Kavanagh. A first."

.....you are supposed to be friends, right?  That sounds spiteful and considering this is the woman who has effectively subsidised your college experience, I think you could be a little more gracious, Ana.

 "The Mac laptop is sleek and silver and rather beautiful. It has a very large screen. Christian Grey likes scale – I think of his living area, in fact, his whole apartment."

My mental estimate of Christian's cock size just halved.  We're into multiple numbers behind the decimal point here.

And Mr Ponytail reminds us that Christian is totally spoiling Ana here, with bonus dash of jealousy (because Ana isn't really living unless someone is jealous of her).

"“It’s got the latest OS and a full suite of programs, plus a one-point-five terabyte hard drive so you’ll have plenty of room, thirty-two gigs of RAM – what are you planning to use it for?
“Uh… email.”
“Email!” he chokes, bemused, raising his eyebrows with a slightly sick look on his face.
“And maybe Internet research?” I shrug apologetically.
He sighs.
“Well, this has full wireless N, and I’ve set it up with your Me account details. This baby is all ready to go, practically anywhere on the planet.” He looks longingly at it."

Because how else is the reader to know how much money Christian is lavishing on Ana if the poor geek doesn't look so downhearted at the knowledge that it will never be his.  The main characters in this book turn my stomach.

We also learn that together with the 'Me account' - which is Apple-speak, or so I'm told - Ana has a new email address.   More accurately, Ana now has an email address.

She doesn't bother listening when Mr Ponytail starts explaining how to use this and leaves it to Kate to show him out because Ana already has email!  FROM CHRISTIAN!

And they attempt to flirt.  Via email.

And they fail.

And every. Single. Goddam. Email. Includes the To:/From:/Date:/Subject and Christian's signature.  I'm just grateful we're spared the inevitable trail of previous emails. The basic gist of the conversation is that Christian has (surprise, surprise) given her the computer but Ana insists that it's still a loan.

Ana calls him Sir and tells him she does "not want or need a computer indefinitely." and reminds him that some people have to work.  Christian's last email, sent just before Ana leaves for work, reads simply

"Laters, baby.
PS: I work for a living too."

If this was a real romance, the epistolary elements would be the main focus.  Ana and Christian would be emailing because they are separated by time/work/distance.  As it is, this looks like pointless filler because it is.

Ana gets ready for work, "unable to shake [her] face-splitting grin" because Christian EMAILED HER!  We get one sentence about Ana's actual work before this happens.

"José phones at eleven.
“Hey, are we doing coffee?” He sounds like the old José. José my friend, not a – what did Christian call him? Suitor. Ugh.
“Sure. I’m at work. Can you make it here for say twelve?”
“See you then.”"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!

I have spent the guts of a post already pointing out the fucking brainless stupidity of Ana continuing to have any contact with José and I'm not going to waste our time pointing it out again.

Not only doesn't Ana think twice about this, she actually spends the rest of day mooning over Christian.

"José is punctual. He comes bounding into the shop like a gamboling dark-eyed puppy.
“Ana,” he smiles his dazzling toothy all-Hispanic-American smile, and I can’t be angry with him anymore.
“Hi José.” I hug him."

Lovely.  Racism on top of everything else?

Fuck you, Ana.

"As we stroll to the local coffee shop, I slip my arm through José’s. I’m so grateful for his – normality. Someone I know and understand.
“Hey Ana,” he murmurs. “You’ve really forgiven me?”
“José, you know I can never stay mad at you for long.”
He grins."

And I hope you enjoyed that because it's all the closure we get.  Ana runs off home for more red-hot. Emailing. ACTION!

By which I mean Christian has emailed her to say he hopes she had a good day and when Ana, who still pointedly calls him 'Sir', says she had a fine day, he says "[w]hile you are emailing, you are not researching." 

Ana reminds him again that she's stupid and doesn't know where to start.

Christian responds with the first thing that has made me laugh since "my favorite body part"

"Always start with Wikipedia."

Oh, gods! I needed that laugh.

But take a moment to savour the fact that Christian - a man who claims 12 years experience in the world of BDSM - thinks that the best place to start is WIKIPEDIA!?

Don't get me wrong - Wikipedia has its place in the 'winning trivia competitions' sources of information but seriously.  This is the internet.  I know better sites than that just from a long career of fandom.

Ana's research, based on what we're told in the last paragraph, doesn't seem to go much beyond Wikipedia. 

"Half an hour later, I feel slight queasy and frankly shocked to my core. Do I really want this stuff in my head?"

It's at this point that I think some beta reader mentioned that it doesn't seem like Ana's really in to this.  Because, well, yes - she ISN'T so Ana goes on to add that "a very moist and integral part of [her] – that [she's] only become acquainted with very recently, is seriously turned on."

There's a reason 'moist' isn't used much as a positive adjective; it doesn't sound nice.  It sound seedy and sordid - particularly when used in what is intended as an erotic novel.  This isn't titillating.  It's gross.

But Ana decides she needs to think and, thankfully, the chapter ends there.