Ara: Chapter 8 - It only gets worse from here.....

And, back again.

Consider the above to be my new spirit animal for these reviews.  This is how I feel about every chapter because the more I read, the more depressed I get about the state of published erotica.

Since I never did a proper opening post, let me add a disclaimer here: I'm not judging people who read these.  I think you can find better porn by blind-Googling with adult content filters off but if these books do it for you, knock yourself out.  These reviews are my personal opinion and I reserve the right to mock this book senseless.

We start the chapter and again, my brain spins out on the second line.

"Two hands – that’s double exasperation."

I have to admire Ana's ability to be utterly clueless in the face of an angry (for reasons yet to be determined) hyper-control freak who not only wants to inflict pain on her but who LESS THAN A CHAPTER AGO didn't trust himself with her and so many easily accessible implements.

I say I have to because Christian - Mr Alpha-Dominant, sex-god etc - is going to spend the rest of this page slut-shaming Ana for being a virgin.  Yes, I realize this is a contradiction in terms.  Read the following quotes and try to remember that this is a man who is attempting to convince the woman he's talking to, not only to sleep with him, but to let him beat her bloody.

"“I knew you were inexperienced, but a virgin!” He says it like it’s a really dirty word. “Hell, Ana, I just showed you,” he groans. “May God forgive me. Have you ever been kissed, apart from by me?”
[...]
“And a nice young man hasn’t swept you off your feet? I just don’t understand. You’re twenty-one, nearly twenty-two. You’re beautiful.” He runs his hand through his hair again. 
[...]
“And you’re seriously discussing what I want to do, when you have no experience.” His brows knit together. “How have you avoided sex? Tell me, please.”"

Does that sound like a guy who enjoys sex?  Does that sound like a guy who expects his partner to enjoy having sex with him?  Plus, and this may just be me, it's really jarring to have Christian say 'May God forgive me' because it doesn't really gel with the character as he's been established so far.  Christian is a control freak, overachiever with trust issues and an unhealthy approach to relationships.

I say 'relationships' because, his immature comment to Ana in the previous chapter aside, if you are regularly having sex with someone with agreed timetables and limits, you are in a relationship.  It may not be a romantic or emotional relationship but it is still a relationship.

But as I was saying: given Christian's displayed characterisation, having him suddenly beg God's forgiveness is a little strange.  It makes more sense if you remember that in the original story Christian was really Edward from Twilight who does have fucked up conceptions of God but really it's one of those things that should have been changed.

Back to Ana.  We've established that Christian is being aggressive and exasperated and again, he likes to hurt people.  So what is Ana thinking during this conversation?

"Beautiful. I flush with pleasure. Christian Grey thinks I’m beautiful. I knot my fingers together, staring at them hard, trying to conceal my goofy grin."

......of course.  That's the only part of that conversation that Ana actually paid attention to.  The only bit of information that has any relevance to Ana is that Christian thinks she's hot.  Did she think he was sleeping with her for points or on a bet?  Why exactly did she think he'd go to all this trouble if he wasn't attracted to her?

This is why Ana infuriates me and honestly, why I can totally see her as a fanfic construct.  Ana insists on telling us how worthless and ugly and utterly unfuckable she is but her reaction to Christian's admission is a grin.  On a meta level, Ana knows she's the centre of the 50 Shades universe and that, in the end, she's going to get exactly what she wants from Christian and everyone else she meets.

There is no dramatic tension to this.  From the first second she falls into his office, Christian is obsessed with her.  Every move he makes, every word he speaks just reinforces that idea.  Ana is supposed to be an independent young woman in the modern world but she keeps missing the blatantly obvious because frankly, without this clichéd and tedious insecurity, there is literally nothing to the plot.

Christian wants to fuck Ana.  Ana wants Christian to fuck her.

 That's it.  That's the sum total of this plot.  Underneath the BDSM trappings, this isn't even enough plot for the sort of romance that you can buy '5 for £1' of in any second-hand or charity shop.

Since Ana's still a virgin and apparently Christian likes his women with experience, this means it's over, right?  RIGHT?

.....ha, fucking-ha.  Of course not!  Christian offers to take her home and when Ana declines, we get this masterpiece of seduction (seriously)

"“You’re biting your lip.” His voice is husky, and he’s eyeing me speculatively.
“Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. It’s just that I want to bite it too, hard.”
I gasp… how can he say things like that to me and not expect me to be affected.
“Come,” he murmurs.”
“What?”
“We’re going to rectify the situation right now.”
“What do you mean? What situation?”
“Your situation. Ana, I’m going to make love to you, now.”
“Oh.” The floor has fallen away. I’m a situation. I’m holding my breath.
“That’s if you want to, I mean, I don’t want to push my luck.”
“I thought you didn’t make love. I thought you fucked hard.”"

Oh.  Oh, wow.

Because yeah,  nothing makes a woman hotter than to be described as a 'situation'.  Fuck being considered smart or attractive or sexy!  Also, opening up your seduction with wanting to cause her pain is a stupid, stupid approach!

I mean, it's going to work because this is Ana and she thinks you existing is hot.

Then we go from porno-come-ons to our first blaring alarm bell.  Ana mentions that she hasn't signed his 'contract' which is actually a reasonable concern; Christian is a control freak, remember?

This is actually considerate of Ana since given Christian's type-A personality, he's not going to want to do anything until the paperwork's in order, right?  This is the guy who made her sign an NDA before admitting he had naughty thoughts about her, after all...

"“Forget about the rules. Forget about all those details for tonight. I want you. I’ve wanted you since you fell into my office, and I know you want me. You wouldn’t be sitting here calmly discussing punishment and hard limits if you didn’t. Please, Ana, spend the night with me.”"

..........Okay, for the record?  A guy who spends this much time explaining how he needs rules and order before he can sleep with you is a strange guy and someone you shouldn't sleep with unless you're very sure.  A guy who spends this much time explaining how he needs rules and order right up to the point where you tell him that you don't know what you're doing and then throws the rules aside in his eagerness to fuck you right this second?  That is a guy who you should be doing your level best to be on another continent from!

He murmurs some meaningless praise and Ana capitulates because, hey, she came here to be rid of that pesky virginity and by golly, that's what she's going to do!  In deference to Ana's virginity, Christian takes her to his bedroom which is painted white and has "ceiling height windows".

....in the bedroom?  I know this is a penthouse but Ana specifically says that it looks out on "high-rise Seattle" and given that this is Mr. Young-Handsome-And-Unattached-CEO....I'm just saying, shouldn't paparazzi be a concern? This is the house he keeps his playroom in, after all.

Ana has a case of the nerves - not surprising - and Christian proves what a considerate and caring lover he really is.

"“I assume you’re not on the pill.”"

Again, disclaimer!  Safe sex is a good idea.  Safe sex is awesome!

This is also something that people should talk about when they're getting ready to sleep together.  However, this fails utterly in terms of writing because, congratulations, you've just killed the mood.

The problem with safe sex is that it takes a very, very skilled writer to make a discussion of pill v condoms anything but coldly clinical.  There's also the assumption that Ana isn't on the pill.  True, she isn't sexually active but that doesn't necessarily mean she isn't on the pill.  Women take the pill for a lot of reasons.

Also, the way Christian talks here, the primary consideration is contraception.

Given his ADMITTED past, I'd be more worried about STIs.

But we're already past the issue and Ana doesn't even give him an answer because it's time for the sex scene. I've been dreading this. 

Again, I read fanfic.  I have read some pretty bad porn in my time so this should be fairly straight-forward, right?

.............

....one second please.


I just wanted to check something.  The writer, EL James, is a married woman.  More than that, she is married with children.  I must therefore conclude that she has, at some point, actually had sex.

Not that you could prove it by the way she writes about it!

 Let's start with this:

"“Do you have any idea what I’m going to do to you?” he adds, caressing my chin.
The muscles inside the deepest, darkest part of me clench in the most delicious fashion. The pain is so sweet and sharp I want to close my eyes, but I’m hypnotized by his gray eyes staring fervently into mine."

WHAT PAIN?

Seriously! He's "caressing" her chin.  A caress is not a punch.  Her internal muscles clenching might be a new sensation but if clenching them hurts, then stop fucking around with this idiot and get your stupid butt to a doctor!

I don't claim to have practical experience of hetero-sex - asexual, remember? - but the only time you should be feeling discomfort is during actual penetration! If you're hurting before he's touched you, then this is going to suck.

The only thing Christian's actually done is take her shirt off.  Rereading, I find that he bit her lip.  A FULL PAGE AGO!

He praises Ana's skin and kisses her, pulling her close as he lets her hair down.  Then he mentions that he likes brunettes while he humps her.  Did I mention that Christian has been undressing up to this point?  And hard?  And that Ana's still wearing her jeans?

Can you say 'semen-stains'?  Congratulations! You put more thought into this than the author did!

Ana is wrapped up in the kiss and doesn't notice that Christian's steering towards the bed until it hits the back of her knees.  Ana proves that she's read her share of bodice rippers.

"I think he’s going to push me down on to it, but he doesn’t."

When your narrator can see how the scene is supposed to be going, you have gone so far into cliché that your authorial credibility isn't even a dot in the rearview mirror.

Christian licks her belly button and bites her belly.  Ana paws at his hair as he slowly strips off her jeans and her 'Converse' and wait, wait, hold on a moment!

Two chapters ago, when Ana was getting ready for this 'date' there was this description of a scene that happened off-camera.

"Under Kate’s tireless and frankly intrusive instruction, my legs and underarms are shaved to perfection, my eyebrows plucked, and I am buffed all over. It has been a most unpleasant experience. But she assures me that this is what men expect these days. What else will he expect?"

So you're telling me that Ana shaved, plucked and buffed but she couldn't make the effort to dress up at all?  Not even a skirt or pretty shoes?  Seriously?

Okay, back to the boreplay- I mean, foreplay.

Christian leaves her in her underwear and tells her that he wants to watch her masturbate.  Not that he actually uses that term.  No, Christian asks "how [she] pleasure[s] [her]self" because every Dominant is coy and cutesy when they talk about sex, didn't you know?

He parts Ana's legs - again, this is something that gets done to her, not something Ana participates in.  Christian settles between her legs and paws her breasts until she comes for the first time.

Ana's first ever climax!  Which we get three lines describing and two of those lines are summing up how it affected her.

"That was extraordinary. Now I know what all the fuss is about."

Wasn't that insightful?  Don't you know so much more about Ana and her desires and wants and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

Apparently, even Christian can't orgasm the prude out of Ana.  He praises her for being "very responsive" and cups her groin.  Not that Ana uses that term.  This is how Ana describes Christian fondling her crotch.

"His hand moves down my waist, to my hips, and then cups me, intimately... Jeez. His finger slips through the fine lace and slowly circles around me – there."

You know that rule about parenting? The one that says if your child is old enough to ask the question, they're old enough to hear the answer?

There should be an inverse of that rule.  If you can't name your genitalia in your own internal monologue then you aren't ready to have sex.  I know that slang for woman's genitals is bad but there is quite a lot of them to choose from.  If 'cunt' doesn't work, try 'pussy' or 'twat' or 'snatch'.

Yes, none of those words are sexy but coyly dancing around it is seriously not sexy to read about.

Particularly when you use "clitoris"  in the very next line!

But Christian is bored by foreplay!  Christian wants to fuck!  So he pulls out his dick, puts on a condom and slams into her.

......

This, please remember, is Ana's first time!

She's never had sex before.

She's never even masturbated before.

The only thing she might have had inside her before tonight is a tampon!

Christian prepped her with one finger!  He doesn't bother with reassurance.  Even Ana describes that first penetration as an act of violence.

"...I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity"

Does that sound pleasant?!  Does that sound like the sort of experience that anyone would ever want to repeat? EVER?!

The rest of the page is Christian fucking her and Ana climaxes at the start of the next page with Christian right behind her.

The whole sex scene lasted  3 pages! Including foreplay and stripping and 'safe-sex' talk.  Three pages to encompass the entirety of Ana's first tim.....

...Wait a second.  There are four more pages in this chapter.

Oh.  Oh no.  Oh GOD no!

We have this exchange:

"“Did I hurt you?” Christian asks as he lies down beside me propped on one elbow. He tucks a stray strand of my hair behind my ear. And I have to grin, widely.
“You are asking me if you hurt me?”
“The irony is not lost on me,” he smiles sardonically."

Ana doesn't actually answer because, well, it's not like there is any reason for Christian to worry.

It's not like it was her first time...oh, wait!

It's not like he's the first guy she's slept with...oh, wait!

It's not like she's sleeping with a sadist...oh, wait!

It's not like he's generously endowed...oh, wait-...actually, we only have Ana's word for that but you see my point.

Ana AGAIN thinks that "Now I know what all the fuss is about."

Two orgasms in less than five minutes isn't a fuss, Ana.  It's a goddamn miracle!

Also, Ana wants to do it again!

Yes, that makes her sound like a ten-year-old.  Yes, even if he hadn't been borderline violent, she'd be feeling raw and tender.  Yes, the best thing to do would be sleep/have a bath and think about sex later.

Has she lost her mind?

....huh.

Okay, half a point to the writer.  The only way I can see anyone wanting to repeat the sex described this far is if they didn't remember doing it the first time.  I really wouldn't describe it as good sex but maybe Ana's just a shitty narrator?

This time, Christian wants to fuck her from behind and Ana's hormones are temporarily sated long enough for her to notice he's still wearing his shirt.

Again, I have to go back and read the description of Christian stripping which I must have skimmed in self-defence, assuming that he got naked but apparently all he took off was his watch and his shoes.

....Chippendales, this really isn't.

He holds Ana in place and pulls her hair - just like he did in the elevator  and AGAIN, he doesn't ask or warn Ana that he's going to do this.  This is one of those things that are fine to do so long as both parties consent but ONLY if both parties agree ahead of time that it's okay.

He talks about wanting Ana to fuck his mouth and I'm weirdly relieved to discover that Christian at least gets a potty-mouth during sex.  He fucks her, after fingering (thumbing her) with more care than he did the first time and Ana comes again when he tells her to.

Then she passes out and I cheer....until I notice that there's still two pages to go.

....goddammit!

Ana wakes up with no idea of how much time has passed but we are at least spared the overtly symbolic dreams.  It's nearly dawn and Ana is alone in bed.

The reason Ana has woken up?  Christian is playing the piano.  Naked.

He's playing Bach and Ana moons over him for a bit before noticing that he's actually wearing pjs.  No, I don't know how she missed that.  Christian talks a little about Bach and mentions that he's been playing since he was six and Ana retrospectively thinks he was adorable.  Despite never meeting him as a child.  Despite the fact that based on the ages given, she would have been a foetus when he was six.

They talk about how Mrs Jones is going to be perplexed by the fact that there is blood on the sheets.  Ana is not weirded out by the fact that his housekeeper is going to see the soiled sheets.  Nor does she think that given the playroom, Mrs Jones is probably just going to be relieved that he isn't leaving her corpse in the bed.

No, Ana has just realized that this is her first time seeing Christian's bare chest.  When she tries to touch, he pulls away and puts on a t-shirt.

OW!  I think that plot point just brained me!

Christian cuddles up behind her and Ana closes her eyes on the tragic, tragic thought that Christian Grey has a sad side.  ),:

I close this review on the tragic thought that there's still another 246 pages to go....