Ara: Chapter 9: The morning after the clusterfuck before

Let's play a game.  I'm going to give you a sentence and try to imagine what sort of scene this sentence comes from, okay?

"Light fills the room, coaxing me from deep sleep to wakefulness."

No, the collective dreams of myself and every other reviewer suffering through this have not come true.  Ana has not been kidnapped by aliens or Raptured.  The light filling the room is apparently the sun.  Ana has been woken by morning.

The problem with this is that, the way the sentence is written, it sounds like the light wakes her.  This makes me think that maybe there's a SWAT helicopter shining a spotlight through the window or aliens or random angels.  Anything to make it INTERESTING!

But, read the book you have, not the one you want....Ana discovers Christian is asleep beside her and takes the opportunity to stare longingly at him.  Because waking up to find his latest fucktoy partner staring hungrily at his face isn't going to make Christian fear the zombie apocalypse or anything.

This is a pet peeve so maybe it doesn't apply to everyone but I hate-hate -hate-hate waking up to find someone staring at me.  If I like the person, I'll grumble.  If I dislike/don't know the person, I'll attack them.  I don't think making doe eyes at your partner while they're sleeping is cute.  I think it's creepy.

But this is an interesting opportunity.  We have very little description of what Christian looks like.  I couldn't tell you without looking back what colour hair he has.  I'm guessing he's got grey eyes but that's mostly assumption.

Now, Ana has a chance to look her fill on her very first lover; the man who shaped her ideas of what sexual pleasure was and how does Ana describe him?

"His lovely face looks younger, relaxed in sleep. His sculptured, pouty lips are parted slightly, and his shiny, clean hair is a glorious mess."

....how old is Ana again?

For what it's worth, adding adjectives will turn prose a lovely shade of purple but it doesn't actually work to convince the reader.  Readers are jaded like that: the harder the author tries to tell them that no, really, he's gorgeous and thoughtful, the more the reader will look silently and judgementally at the hundred little incidents where the author's shown he's nothing of the sort.

Also, I'm sticking on 'clean' because there was no mention of a shower last night and he hasn't woken up yet this morning and he and Ana had a bout of reasonably athletic sex last night.  His hair should be sweaty and greasy and in need of a wash!

But Ana's still musing on her man so we'll just file that under 'Ana over-romanticizes' and move on.

"How could anyone look this good and still be legal? I remember his room upstairs… perhaps he’s not legal."

.....I think my brain just tried to change gear without using the clutch.

Hold on a second,  I just need to figure out what the hell the author was thinking.

I think she was trying to add her own spin on the old 'it should be a crime to look that good' line.  She failed.  Pretty spectacularly.

I bet the translation team had fun with that one.

"he's not legal" is a term that, when applied to a prospective/new sexual partner, has a very specific connotation.  Trying to use it to make us think Christian is illegal-levels of hot is just not going to work!  That's like referring to a thief-character in his forties as 'jailbait' because he's always just one step ahead of the police!!

Ana, this is not the time to embrace your inner pedophile!

But maybe I'm reading too much into this.  It's not like there are any other creepy pedophilic overtones to what Ana's doing-

"It’s tempting to reach out and touch him, but like a small child, he’s so lovely when he’s asleep."

..........

...I think I'm going to be sick.


Moving on!  As fast as possible and trying to forget that Ana now creeps me out every bit as much as Christian does!

Thankfully, it's time for a paragraph change so Ana moves us right along!

"I could gaze at him all day, but I have needs – bathroom needs."

Classy, Ana, really classy.

Okay, seriously, this whole series is a satire, right?  An epic act of trolldom on the world in general, right?  I-I just can't believe that this was a serious effort at writing.  Please, Gods, say it isn't so!?

There is no way someone actually wrote a character with such a juvenile monologue and expected us to cheerlead her being sexually exploited?

 ...I'm going to cling to my delusions. 

Ana gets up and mistakes the walk-in wardrobe for the bathroom.  She does figure it out before she pees on Christian's suits, which is a pity.  I would have read the hell out of that resulting conversation.

Seeing such a huge wardrobe makes Ana think of Kate!  Who she totally didn't tell about the trip to Seattle but who she did promise to call.  Ana reacts with typical empathy and regret for her thoughtless behaviour.

"I was supposed to text her. Crap. I’m going to be in trouble. I wonder briefly how she’s getting on with Elliot."

Well, I did say 'typical'.

Now that Ana has graced Kate with a full five seconds of her attention, she goes back to the bedroom and stares at Christian again before trying the other door and finding the bathroom.  Ana notes ironically that he has two sinks because obviously, Christian installed this bathroom with his own two manly hands and chose two sinks just to prove again that his relationship skills are shit.

Ana doesn't bother to actually use the toilet because it turns out her real need is for a mirror.

Snark aside, I understand how experiences can leave a person feeling changed and the urge to see if those changes show can be very compelling so I'm actually not going to mock Ana for wanting to see if she looks different now that she's 'been made a woman' - to use the most sexist term I can think of.

Aaaaand then her subconscious wakes up.

"...my subconscious has woken. She’s staring at me with pursed lips, tapping her foot. So you’ve just slept with him, given him your virginity, a man who doesn’t love you. In fact, he has very odd ideas about you, wants to make you some sort of kinky sex slave.ARE YOU CRAZY? She’s shouting at me."

I don't like the term 'crazy' but I've got to admit, I'm starting to wonder about Ana's mental health.  Her subconscious is warning her that this is unhealthy and that she's not making properly informed choices.  I have to say that as far as Christian Grey goes, Ana's subconscious seems to be right on the money.

But what really worries me, and what would have me calling for an intervention if Ana was a real person, is that Ana's ignoring her subconscious.

In his book 'The Gift of Fear', Doctor Gavin de Becker argues very persuasively that when you encounter a person who gives you an uneasy feeling, there's almost always a very good reason why.  His book focuses on the idea that your subconscious retains all your survival instincts and that  'uneasy feeling' is generally a sign that the other person is behaving in a manner that you have subconsciously recognized as threatening.

Ana's subconscious is treated as a wholly external character: as is her 'inner goddess',  the Great Libido.  This really bugs me.  Ana refuses to take any agency.  She won't even own her own opinions.

The paragraph above represents a part of Ana's thought and feeling about the night before.  Based on everything we know, it seems to be the negative feelings she could legitimately have.  Christian has told her that he doesn't love her and he's emphasized that they are not in a relationship (ALL OF THE BULLSHIT, I CALL!) and he's got some kinks that Ana is repulsed by.

But who's actually voicing those fears?  Ana?  Or the demeaning, overly-negative 'subconscious'?

We've already seen that Ana completely disregards other people's opinions: she's seeing Christian after Kate warned her it was a bad idea as the most obvious example and the feeling that I get is that by externalizing her doubts, Ana is effectively giving herself permission to ignore them and follow her downstairs brain into disaster.

That's not healthy and it's not safe.

Back to the story: Ana tries to tidy herself up because apparently "[j]ust-fucked hair doesn’t suit [her]."


Now comes one of those sections that is just flat-out bad writing.

"I try and bring order to the chaos with my fingers but fail miserably and give up – maybe I’ll find hair ties in my purse.
I’m starving. I head back out to the bedroom. Sleeping beauty is still sleeping, so I leave him and head for the kitchen.
Oh no… Kate. I left my purse in Christian’s study. I fetch it and reach for my cell phone."

This?

THIS DOESN'T WORK!

Ana has the thought that she needs to get a bobbin for her hair from her purse while she's in the bathrom.   Ana then leaves the bathroom, goes towards the kitchen and fetches her  purse from Christian's study.

That doesn't make sense.  Ana should have gone looking for her purse, found it in Christian's study, checked her phone and then gone to the kitchen.  Mentioning that Ana's hungry and on her way to the kitchen breaks the flow of action and leaves the reader disoriented.

As much as possible, the reader should know where the character's going and why during any scene they spend with the character.  Even if motivation is clouded, the reader should always have an idea for why the character's doing what they're doing and how they intend to go about it!

[/rant]

New target!

Remember Kate?  Ana's rich-girl best friend who helped Ana get ready to go out with a guy that Kate doesn't like or think worthy of her and made Ana promise to stay in touch so Kate would know she is safe?  That Kate?

Guess how worried Kate was about Ana?

I dare you.  Guess.

Has she been phoning Ana's phone multiple times?  Nope.

Has she phoned Ana once, to check on her?  Nope.

Has she filled Ana's inbox with worried texts?  Nope.

Has she texted Ana?  Oh yes.

Kate has sent her THREE text messages.

"*RU OK Ana*
*Where RU Ana*
*Damn it Ana*"

Ana has probably been gone at least twelve hours by this point.  If something HAD happened to her, all Kate would be doing is confirming that no-one's going to come looking for an least another twenty-four hours so, hey, take your time, Mr Serial Killer.

This also renders the buddy system utterly ineffective.  The idea is that you keep your buddy informed of every move you make so that if you, say, DROP OFF THE MAP AND ARE INCOMMUNICADO FOR TWELVE HOURS, they can call the police.

Ana leaves "a groveling message" because Kate doesn't answer.  Repeat above .gif on infinite loop.  Way to be worried, Kate.

Ana puts her hair up in pigtails.  Why?  "The more girly I look, perhaps the safer I’ll be from Bluebeard."

Bluebeard = Christian.

....I actually don't think there's anything that I can add to that.

Ana also mentions that she's starving and breaks out the iPod to listen to Amy Studt.  Now, I actually like this song but I can't really see why Ana is listening to it.  This is a 'Fuck you, I'm awesome' anthem, not a 'Fuck Yeah! I got LAID' anthem but musical tastes are individual....

-and Ana wants to tell us that she relates to this song because she's a misfit.  White, conventionally-attractive, college graduates are the most oppressed class! We pause to cry a single tear of emo because god forbid Ana pass up a single opportunity to remind us that she's a tragic underdog.

She's dancing around the kitchen when Christian arrives and we get the following 'romantic' exchange:

"He gently pulls my pigtail.
“I love these,” he whispers. “They won’t protect you.” Hmm Bluebeard…
“How would you like your eggs?” I ask tartly. He smiles.
“Thoroughly whisked and beaten,” he smirks."

Can't you just feel the sexual tension?

Ana serves up breakfast and Christian announces that he wants to "continue [her] basic training."  Then he tells her that her omelet is delicious and to stop biting her lip because it's "distracting".

Lest we think that Christian is a selfish, petty little man, not only does he order Ana to eat but he goes on to say

"Well, as you’re sore, I thought we could stick to oral skills"

Because that's not selfish at all!  "Hey, hon, I know you're sore right now so I'll settle for a blow job."

Fuck this guy.

He then checks that she wants to stay.  Ana says "I’d like to stay for today." and adds that she has to be in work for nine the next morning.  Christian promises to get her back for work and Ana protests that she doesn't have clothes.  Christian says "We can get you some here."

Okay, remember two chapters ago when Ana said that she was uncomfortable with the idea that Christian would buy her clothes because it made her feel like a ho?

Neither does he!

Ana doesn't have spare cash to spend on clothes.  That's a reasonable concern and honestly, I can't fault her.  If I'd just had a lot of sweaty sex, I'd want multiple changes of clothes too.  Ana doesn't tell him this but she does repeat that she needs to be home that evening.

Watch how Christian reacts to what is really a completely logical and reasonable decision.

"“I need to be home this evening.” [Ana says]
His mouth is a hard line.
“Okay, this evening,” he acquiesces. “Now eat your breakfast.”
My thoughts and my stomach are in turmoil. My appetite has vanished. I stare at my half-eaten breakfast. I’m just not hungry.
“Eat, Anastasia. You didn’t eat last night.”
“I’m really not hungry,” I whisper.
His eyes narrow."

That right there?  That's not romantic.  THIS IS FUCKING DISTURBING!

A very slight disagreement - note that Ana hasn't said she doesn't want to see him again or told him to go fuck himself and lose her number - should not be triggering negative emotions this intense.

Best Beloved Housemate and I have more  serious disagreements over where we're going to eat without a millionth of the bad temper displayed here!

Christian snaps Ana to eat because he has "issues with wasted food."  Because the waste of food is the issue here.  Not whether or not Ana wants to eat or the fact that Christian has triggered Ana's anxiety so badly that she's lost her appetite.

Ana, being the good little doormat that Christian wants her to be,  eats and Christian's "expression softens".

This is abusive behaviour!

I cannot emphasize this enough: Christian is abusing Ana.  He's been threatening and aggressive whenever she fails to perform exactly as he wants her to.  He minimizes and ignores the non-verbal cues Ana uses to indicate that she's uncomfortable.  He flat out does not allow her any independent agency.

I'm reading this chapter through my fingers because it makes me so uncomfortable.

Kate (FINALLY) calls back and once more convinces me that BBH was right on the money.  Kate is a spectacularly shitty friend.

Don't believe me?  Read this exchange:

"“Ana, why didn’t you text last night?” She’s angry.
“I’m sorry, I was overtaken by events.”
“You’re okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine.”
“Did you?” She’s fishing for information. I roll my eyes at the expectation in her voice.
“Kate, I don’t want to talk over the phone.” Christian glances up at me.
“You did… I can tell.”"

Imagine for a second that you have a friend who you care about.  This friend has gone out with someone that you don't trust or like.  You don't want to undermine their decision so you don't try to stop them.  You do arrange that they'll text you to assure you that they're all right as the evening progresses.  They don't.  They leave an apologetic voicemail the next morning and when you call back, the third thing they say is "I don't want to talk over the phone."

What would you do?

Personally, I'd be trying to find out the address so I can call the cops and/or arranging to get there as fast as possible to get them away.

But that would be the grown-up, mature thing to do.  Kate just pokes Ana about how she totally got laid - because Kate can smell post-sex funk via 3G network apparently? - and mentions that she's "been waiting for this day for nearly four years."

Fuckyou!Fuckyou!Fuckyou!Fuckyou!Fuckyou!Fuckyou!Fuckyou!Fuckyou!Fuckyou! FUCK YOU!

Ana is worried.  Not because Kate is more concerned with Ana's new sex life than her safety or that Kate apparently believes still being a virgin in your twenties is shocking.

No, Ana's worried about the NDA.  Christian asks why.

"“Well, I have a few questions, you know, about sex.” [Ana] stare[s] down at [her] fingers. “And I’d like to ask Kate.”"

One.  THIS IS WHY YOU READ THE FUCKING NDA BEFORE YOU READ IT, BRAINAIC!!

Two.  You have a copy or you should.  READ IT YOURSELF.

Three.  Christian seriously didn't see this one coming?  I hate to break it to you but a just not-virgin is going to want to talk to other people about it.  However you feel about it, a person's first sexual experience is one of those formative events that people talk about with their friends.

Christian says if Ana has questions, she can just ask him.

Christian thus demonstrates that he has no idea how the human mind works.

Christian also demonstrates once more that he's an abusive, controlling dickhead.

He is also forgetting that if Ana can't ask Kate, there still remains one other place she can go for advice that isn't covered by the NDA.

ALL HAIL THE ALMIGHTY GOOGLE!

...okay, maybe not.

 Ana, showing a surprising degree of backbone, has doubts.

"I can’t ask you. I’ll get your biased, kinky-as-hell, distorted world-view regarding sex. I want an impartial opinion."

Christian objects because Kate "is making the beast with two backs with my brother" and Christian's family doesn't know about his kinks.  He continues to press and finally gets around to asking how Ana feels after last night.

Belated concern, much?

And, just because we really, really needed to know, Christian's first time having "vanilla sex" was good too.  Though he thinks that might just be because it was with Ana.

Rather than continuing with the conversation, Christian takes Ana to have a bath.

"I’m standing in the doorway, wide-eyed and wary, my arms wrapped around myself. I step forward while surreptitiously admiring his physique. He is just yummy. My subconscious swoons and passes out somewhere in the back of my head."

....yummy!?!

HOW old is Ana again?

No, wait.  Ana's subconscious became Ana's sub-un-conscious.

This means sex!

But wait, Christian has to undress her first and tell her that she's really, truly be-yoo-ti-ful.

"Anastasia, you’re a very beautiful woman, the whole package. Don’t hang your head like you’re ashamed. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and it’s a real joy to stand here and gaze at you."

That didn't sound forced or fake AT ALL!  And they get into the bath with her in front of him.  This really isn't the best position for washing up.  We get more boring narration about how they're both getting into the bath.

"I am naked, in a bath with Christian Grey. He’s naked."

 Christian lathers up and starts washing her.  This could be erotic.  It's really not.  It reads like a shopping list.  We get told about it as if Ana's a spectator and it's all 'He does this.  He does that.' I'm about to fall asleep when Christian reaches for a washcloth.

Riv-::yawn::-eting!

Then he soaps up the washcloth and starts washing between her legs.  Protip here, soap in your crotch promises an itch if you don't wash properly.  But it's okay, Christian is really trying to give her handjob.

It works, until Christian decides it's his turn and breaks out his best dirty talk!

"I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this."

........
......
....

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Please excuse me, I think I might actually have sprained something.

Hee, hee, oh man.

I needed that.  I haven't laughed that hard in weeks!

"It’s so big and growing. His erection is above the water line, the water lapping at his hips. I glance up at him and come face to face with his wicked grin. He’s enjoying my astounded expression. I realize that I’m staring. I swallow. That was inside me! It doesn’t seem possible."

...okay, new rule.  I'm not allowed to drink anything while reading this.  Particularly not carbonated drinks.

Bubbles in sinuses HURT!

But then we move from Christian showing her how to give him a handjob to Ana's first blowjob.

...I think.

"Hmm… he’s soft and hard at once, like steel encased in velvet, and surprisingly tasty – salty and smooth."

Uh, Ana?  Sweetie?  I'm not an expert or anything but I'm fairly sure that you aren't supposed to actually eat his dick.

"Moving down, I push him into my mouth. He groans again. Ha! My inner goddess is thrilled. I can do this. I can fuck him with my mouth."

Oh, hey!  The return of the Great Libido.  Joy.  Excitement. ....please tell this is over soon?

Also, while I appreciate the attempt at reclaiming that phrase - it's not actually fucking him if his dick is going into your mouth, Ana.  In fact, he is fucking your mouth.  You are the fuckee, not the fucker.

...there's a phrase I never thought I'd need.

"He reaches up and grabs my pigtails and starts to really move."

.....this is not sexy.  You are still in the bath.  If he is pulling you down onto his dick while you are in the bath, you are going to FUCKING DROWN!

Safe sex!  It's not just condom-conscious!

Also, AGAIN with the hair-pulling.  Is Christian ever going to check that she's actually okay with him doing that?

Ana tries to deep-throat him.  The Great Libido approves!

"My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves."

...wait.  She's doing the what? The merengue?  This merengue?  Your inner goddess is doing a two-part dance solo?  With salsa on top?

She does realize that those are two different dance styles, right?  With different tempos and everything?

Christian interrupts to announce...

"“Anastasia, I’m going to come in your mouth,” his breathy tone is warning. “If you don’t want me to, stop now.”"

EW.

No, seriously, EW!

Coming in someone's mouth without a condom?

Can you say 'STIs'?  Also, not only is this Ana's first blowjob, Christian is hanging out of her hair to keep her in place.  If she decides that she doesn't want him coming in her mouth, she's going to do what exactly to stop him?

Bite him?

Nope, Ana swallows like the good little gag-reflex-lacking girl that she is.  On her very first blowjob!  Christian is astonished!

"“Yet another first, Miss Steele.” He looks appraisingly at me. “Well, you get an A in oral skills. Come, let’s go to bed, I owe you an orgasm.”
Orgasm! Another one!"

Yes, Ana.  Satisfying your lover is considered good form and the best way to ensure that they ever want to see you again.

He gets out of the bath and he is naked.  The Great Libido once more approves.

"My inner goddess has stopped dancing and is staring too, mouth open and drooling slightly."

He brings Ana back to the bedroom and starts kissing her.  Once she's worked up, Christian takes a break to beg her to say yes to his arrangement.

No, I don't know why the contract is suddenly important.

Christian licks her all over which Ana is shocked and scandalized by.  He goes down on her and Ana comes ridiculously fast.

Watching Ana's orgasm apparently gets Christian so hot that he grabs up a condom and starts fucking her before she's even come down.  Ana comes on command - less than two minutes after her first one.

"I know in that moment that I would do anything for this man. I am his. The wonder that he’s introduced me to, it’s beyond anything I could have imagined. And he wants to take it further, so much further, to a place I can’t, in my innocence, even imagine."

 Christian tries to take advantage of this to convince Ana to sign up.

"“See how good we are together,” he murmurs. “If you give yourself to me, it will be so much better. Trust me, Anastasia, I can take you places you don’t even know exist.”"

 But before Ana can be obligated to make an actual choice, they are interrupted!

Christian's mother has arrived!

And only Christian's chauffeur/body-disposal guy can stop her!

So we end the chapter.

We are just under 1/3 of the way through guys.