{Bon} Chapter 6 - So behind schedule...

And so, after a bit of a sojourne away from 50 Shades while I worked on editing something more worthwhile than this book (in my own not so humble opinion), I'm back.  Torturing myself with this tripe while listening to 90's dance music.  This can only go well...

Quick Summary

Ana spends the first couple of paragraphs wistfully reliving the kiss, which was her first 'no-holds barred' kiss.  Then she rapidly changes to wondering if it happened because Christian has changed back to his usual distant self.  After a quick banter over eclectic tastes in music, Christian is plagued by phonecalls, including one from his brother who immediately asks him if he got laid.  (I'm starting to like his brother more than anyone else so far, that's a bad sign!) Christian takes Ana to her apartment without ever asking where it is and thus showing off his stalker credentials again.  Ana briefly meets Elliot who turns Kate into liquid mush with a single kiss and then Christian and Ana leave.

Kate starts after the details as soon as the door shuts, like any good friend would, and Ana admits that she'd like to give up her precious cherry blossom to Christian.  Kate smiles and then...  Makeover!!!

Ana goes back and forth about whether she can sleep with Grey and again ponders the whole paperwork thing.  She's worked herself up a little by the time that Christian arrives.  They go to the airport and hop an elevator (nothing happens because it's only three floors) and then there is a helicopter.  Christian, she's already yours, you don't have to roll out the red carpet. 

There's awkward almost chatter and Ana keeps trying to encourage Christian to just do her right there on the U-shaped off-white sofa.  Christian sticks a pin in that for a moment and grabs a non-disclosure agreement for her to sign.  She signs it WITHOUT EVEN READING IT!  What a numpty.

Then feeling brave, or faking it thanks to the wine and her inept professions of lust, she asks Christian if that means that he's going to make love to her.  He says no, that he doesn't make love, that he only fucks.... hard.  He also says that she's got a lot more paperwork to do before they do that and asks would she like to see his playroom.

By the end of this chapter, just for your edification, I was actually reading it through my fingers.  They are two of the most inept characters on the face of the planet right now and I can't watch how bad this is getting.

My Thoughts

Let's talk about Ana and her reasserted naivité.  It's not cute.  You're twenty-four, girl.  If you haven't been kissed before now, what the heck have you been doing?  Christ, I got my first kiss (tongues and all) at twelve.  It was crap but I didn't know any better.  You know, now I'm wondering about her reaction to Christian's kiss.  She has started calling it mystical.  Jesus, girl, if a kiss is mystical, you are far too innocent to be out and about on your own.  You're just asking for a unicorn to burst your bubble aren't you?

As time ticks on, I assign it mythical, Arthurian legend, Lost City of Atlantis status.

Oh girl, you are so totally gone.  You like Christian, we get this, but honestly, it's just a kiss.  Get over yourself.  Oh no, wait.  Now she's wondering if she has imagined it.  Do you often have invasive delusions?  Because if you do, I can google the name of a good psych hospital near your location for you.

Okay, so I'm going to be a music nerd for a few moments.  You may want to skip ahead.  The Flower Duet from Lakmé is a very famous opera aria.  In it, two characters sing to nature entreating it to come to them.  Lakmé is set in the late nineteenth century in India while it was still under British rule.  Hindus were forced to practice their religion in secret.  Why is it name checked here?  It could have something to do with submission of the Indians by the heavy handed British.  It could have something to do with secret practices such as BDSM in the modern world.  Or it could just be a very pretty piece that the author wanted to include because it shows that Christian is cultured and erudite.  Realistically, I think I might be reaching a little there, but seriously, what guy in their mid-late twenties listens to opera in their Audi SUV (two more reasons to hate Christian - but that might be personal on my part).

Okay, back to our regularly scheduled snarking.  Christian Grey killing Ana's hopes of another quick fumble in the elevator shaft or whatever they're calling it these days.

“Anastasia,” he muses. I scowl at him, but he ignores my expression. “What happened in the elevator - it won’t happen again, well, not unless it’s premeditated.”

Be still my beating loins, doesn't that just make you wet just thinking of some hot guy saying those words to you?  Oh wait, no.  No it doesn't.  Christ, Christian, way to be creepy.  How long did you spend planning your previous moves on her?  Honestly, I'm starting to think that you're a douchbag.  Okay so I might have been thinking that since Ana mentioned the Audi SUV but ya know how that goes!

Also, can I just mention this sentence?  This is also completely incoherant.  Ana's wondering why he won't kiss her again and then comes out with this bombshell...

Honestly, his surname should be Cryptic, not Grey.

He's not being Cryptic.  He's not speaking.  Cryptic would be if he was giving you little clues or, ya know, spelling it out in a damned crossword on page whatever of the New York Times...  He's not Cryptic.  He's infuriating.

And while we're at it; you've got to work on your subtlety, Christian.  I mean, Ana needs to work on her memory and the author needs to learn that her audience aren't mentally deficient gold-fish.  He sent her books.  One presumes that he knows her address because the courier didn't knock on every single door around the university.  Still, that is creepy levels of stalking.  Ana, check outside your duplex for candy wrappers, butts, impressions in the dirt.  I'm not putting it past Christian to have been perving through the curtains...

He pulls up outside my duplex. I belatedly realize he’s not asked me where I live - yet he knows. But then he sent the books, of course he knows where I live. What able, cell-phone-tracking, helicopter owning, stalker wouldn’t.

You see, there's an element of Ana's joking in there but SHE'S RIGHT!  He's a stalker.  He's also a creep.  Honey, put the psycho down and walk away from him.

I am retrospectively frustrated.

First of all, honey, you're just plain frustrated, but it's nothing that a quick look online or a quick into town wouldn't solve for you.  They've got these great inventions now called vibrators.  They come in all shapes and sizes and I guarantee they'll solve that frustration without the need to take out a restraining order.  If they get out of hand, just take out the batteries.  Much cheaper in the long run, and they work on your schedule. 

Ana is doing my head in.  Seriously.  She's now courting the stalker.  She's finally had the thought, correctly, that Christian knows a heck of a lot more about her than he should.  Let's count it up.  He knows her address, her phone number, can track her GPS...  Okay, it's all doable by someone who's determined and it would be a snap for someone with unlimited resources but honestly, does it sound healthy?  The answer there, honey, is no!  But instead of running away, you're running towards it.  I swear, you're a damned moth fluttering around a flame, aren't you?

“I liked what happened in the elevator,” I murmur as I climb out of the car. I’m not sure if I hear an audible gasp, but I choose to ignore it and head up the steps to the front door.

Grrr...  Christain gasped?  I highly doubt it.  And if he did, then congrats author, but you just had him break character.  That annoys me.  Okay, that annoys me more.  Let me explain what I mean: Up until now, we've got this untouchable image of Christian.  He's in control and there has only been one chink in his armour - that moment in the elevator.  Everything that the author has spun so far has pointed to a man who needs to be in control of every little thing.  He knows what she's thinking as if he was reading along with the book as well.  She's clearly attracted to him and not doing a lot to hide it.  But when she puts it into words, suddenly Christian is shocked to the point where he gasps.  Seriously?  Because nope...  I don't believe it.

But, to brighter things.  It turns out that blowing minds runs in the family.  Elliot manages to reduce Kate to mush, leaving Ana feeling deprived.  Poor pet.

He turns to Kate and pulls her into his arms and gives her a long lingering kiss.
Jeez… get a room. I stare at my feet, embarrassed. I glance up at Christian, and he’s watching me intently. I narrow my eyes at him. Why can’t you kiss me like that? Elliot
continues to kiss Kate, sweeping her off her feet and dipping her in a dramatic hold so that her hair touches the ground as he kisses her hard.
“Laters, baby,” he grins.
Kate just melts. I’ve never seen her melt before – the words comely and compliant come to mind. Compliant Kate, boy, Elliot must be good.

My mind goes to strange places at times, and it's often not a good idea to let it out wandering about on it's own, and now is one of those times.  I'm suddenly filled with an image of Christian and Elliot being sat down and taught how to kiss in a small schoolroom.  And ewww....  That image needs to die in a fire.  I'm not even going to write down the rest of it because ewww ewww ewww...  *shiver*  Suffice it to say that I didn't need my old german teacher's image in my head at the same time!  That was just wrong.  I'm putting it down to my brain fighting back after being forced to read this chapter.

Alright, then we get to the part of the chapter where Christian is a massive showoff.  I mean seriously.  We know that he's a billionaire.  We know that he has a driver.  We know that he has a helicopter.  But he's practically perfect in every way.  He's successful at a majorly young age.  He can fly (and has been able to for the past four years).  He has, what I have to presume, is a penthouse in a building with a helipad on the room, and his night-time tipple for the two of them is a $100 bottle of wine.  Yeah, she's already panting for it, Christian.  You could show up with a case of cheap American beer and she'd still be gagging for it.  For a naive prude, she's remarkably easy. 

Seriously, you say yes Christian, and she'd drop panties for you right there and then.  I mean, she wants to lick your stubble.

I drink in his features from beneath my lashes. He has a beautiful profile. Straight nose, square jawed – I’d like to run my tongue along his jaw. He hasn’t shaved, and his stubble makes the prospect doubly tempting. Hmm… I’d like to feel how rough it is beneath my tongue, my fingers, against my face.

Which, can I just say, NO!  That hurts.  It's... No.  Stop that.  Running your tongue along his jaw isn't sexy.  That's like someone sticking their tongue IN your ear.  It's just wet.  I had an ex who liked doing both and I ended up telling him that 'It's okay.  I already washed my face today!'  Okay, so strangely enough I was single again shortly after that, but ewww.  Just no.  Kiss along his jaw, nuzzle him, nibble the line of his jaw; those are fine.  But licking?  Jeez girl, are you a dog or something?  Just no!

It's honestly one of those lines that sounds better in your head than it is in real life.  Add in stubble to that and no.  Stubble is sharp and prickly and it's bad enough to get beard burn on your cheek.  Getting it on your tongue.  Owie!

But it's okay because Ana has no idea what she's doing.  I mean, her chat up lines leave a lot to be desired.

“You’re just so… competent.”

What man doesn't want to hear that when they're trying to seduce an innocent?  Forget, you're hot or wow, those pants make your ass look fine!  You're so competent.  That's where it's at.  Try it when you're out on a Friday night.  See how well it works for you.

Now we get to the part of the chapter that had me cringing and reading through my fingers.  The Non Disclosure Agreement.  If it was just that, I could possibly understand it.  His lawyers make him do it.  He's got a fiscal responsibility to stay out of the papers and away from embarrassing stories.  I can get that, but there's the niggle in the back of my mind that reminds me where this relationship is going and I know that the NDA is just the first step.

Add into that the fact that Ana SIGNS IT WITHOUT READING IT!  Good Lord girl, how stupid are you.  Oh no!  It's okay because you wouldn't have talked about it anyway.  How do you know what's covered in the NDA?  Can you admit being sexually active to a doctor?  Can you tell people where you were?  Can you say that you were in Seattle?  How tight is it?  What is the penalty?  What is the burden of proof?

You don't know?  That might have something to do with the fact that you haven't read the fecking document.  NEVER sign something without reading it.  That's like the first rule of life, isn't it?  This falls under informed consent.  You can't give full consent without having an understanding of the results, but not reading it won't help you in a court case.  No lawyer will touch your case.  You screwed up on that one, Ana.

Christian lets her sign it, and why wouldn't he?  She's falling straight into his trap.  And it gets worse.

“No, Anastasia it doesn’t. Firstly, I don’t make love. I fuck… hard. Secondly, there’s a lot more paperwork to do, and thirdly, you don’t yet know what you’re in for. You could still run for the hills. Come, I want to show you my playroom.”

There's a lot more paperwork to do?  Jesus, Christian you know how to make a woman feel wanted.  You better have a massive dick at the end of this to make it worth the ride for Ana.

Ana, as a woman of the world and one that's been around the block a couple of times, stay away from any guy who isn't looking for anything more than a fuck.  He's just going to break your heart because with your naivite and his worldliness, you're going to fall and fall hard and then thanks to the NDA, you can't even have a booze, ice cream and bitch session after the "break up".

And yes, strangely enough, Christian's playroom contains not a single gaming console.  Who couldn't see that coming?

*shakes head*  I'm already expecting some clichéd dungeon type playroom, by the way.  I guess we'll find out fairly soon if I'm right.

Laters!